9 months

9 months today.

nine whole months since my perfect little soul mate left this earth.

9 months of me without him; mommy without her beautiful boy.

nine months is hard.

and it still baffles me that it seems like so much longer.

it feels like ages since i've held him or kissed his sweet face or listened to his noisy breathing.

ages since i've suctioned him or given him his meds or sang to him in the tub.

it feels like ages since i've changed his tube or tickled his toes or told him how much mommy loves him.

it has to be longer than nine months.

9 months can't be right.

 it feels like so much longer.

to my heart, it feels like forever.

i go on about my days because that's what i have to do-----i go on, moving forward in this life because that's the only choice i have.  i go on because that's what he would want his mommy to do, and because that's what his Sissy needs most.

i go on because i can't go back, and standing still would hurt the most.

i go on.......

but oh, sometimes how i wish i could just go back!!

one more snuggle, or kiss or smell of his sweet breath.

one more chance to look him in the eyes, and have him look right back into mine......one more chance for him to really see me so he can see the love that is in my heart.

because when he looked at me, when he really saw me.......his eyes pierced into the very deepest part of my soul, and i knew he knew.

i knew he knew of my love for him and in those moments, i could feel the power of heaven through his beautiful blue eyes.

he was so wise, so strong, so perfect.

he was everything.

and i just miss him.

i am trying to do things to make him proud.

i am trying to move forward in a way that honors his life and all that he taught me.

i am trying to be present in a life that feels so big and empty and new.

i am trying.

i keep trying, and that's all i can do.

9 months makes no sense.

the days go by but time has lost all meaning to me.

 i will just trust in my heart and my love and my hope and faith.

that's all i've got.

mommy misses you, angel boy.

always.

<3