longing for warmth.

Sunday.

it's cold.

the seasons have shifted, and you can definitely tell.

i love fall, the crispness of the air and the comfort of snuggling into a warm hoodie or sweater.

fall has always been one of my favorite times of year.........

 

...........but this year it's harder.

i think any time there is a change, a shift from what i've grown accustomed to-----it makes me miss my sweet boy that much more.

things are changing, life is moving, time is passing by..........

and he's still not here.

he's not here and yet my life is inching forward, day by day, season by season.

soon it will be year by year.

that's hard.

i'm still experiencing all the 'firsts', and that's hard in its own way....

but even harder will be the 'seconds' or 'thirds'.

every 'first' that i pass through means i'm that much further from when he was here, in my arms, where he belongs.

i belong with him, my beautiful boy belongs with me!!

the changing of the seasons just reminds me that he's not here.

he was last year.

last year he was here in my arms, where he fit best.

i just miss him.

 

i'm so cold all the time, without him.

he kept me warm, the physical warmth from his body always intertwined with mine----

but there was also a warmth from his sweet soul that i miss the most.

his spirit cast such a warm, comforting glow that cannot be replicated now that he's gone.

i miss that.

i miss his body and his soul.

 

now, i can still feel his spirit, his presence, his soul-----just not in the same way.

it's different now; i have to try harder, put in so much more effort on my part to be able to feel my sweet boy.

maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

maybe i need these tests, these trials, these times where i have to really try......maybe i need this to make me a better person.

maybe i need to be stronger, and strength comes from struggle.

true strength comes from the ability to keep trying, when all you want to do is give up.

i am trying.

i am trying everyday to find hope in this heartache.

to find peace in this awful pain.

i catch glimpses of it.

i have moments where everything is clear and in those moments i feel him.

i feel my beautiful boy's perfect spirit, and everything is okay.

in those moments i'm not cold.  there is a warmth that comes that could only be matched if i were actually holding him again.

i miss him.

plain and simply, i just miss him.

 i always will.

 

but i'll keep trying.

and hoping and searching for peace.

and when those moments come, i will treasure them and hold onto to those feelings.

i'll keep them in my heart for days when i'm just cold.

days like today.

 

happy Fall Sunday, everyone.

<3