longing for warmth.

Sunday.

it's cold.

the seasons have shifted, and you can definitely tell.

i love fall, the crispness of the air and the comfort of snuggling into a warm hoodie or sweater.

fall has always been one of my favorite times of year.........

 

...........but this year it's harder.

i think any time there is a change, a shift from what i've grown accustomed to-----it makes me miss my sweet boy that much more.

things are changing, life is moving, time is passing by..........

and he's still not here.

he's not here and yet my life is inching forward, day by day, season by season.

soon it will be year by year.

that's hard.

i'm still experiencing all the 'firsts', and that's hard in its own way....

but even harder will be the 'seconds' or 'thirds'.

every 'first' that i pass through means i'm that much further from when he was here, in my arms, where he belongs.

i belong with him, my beautiful boy belongs with me!!

the changing of the seasons just reminds me that he's not here.

he was last year.

last year he was here in my arms, where he fit best.

i just miss him.

 

i'm so cold all the time, without him.

he kept me warm, the physical warmth from his body always intertwined with mine----

but there was also a warmth from his sweet soul that i miss the most.

his spirit cast such a warm, comforting glow that cannot be replicated now that he's gone.

i miss that.

i miss his body and his soul.

 

now, i can still feel his spirit, his presence, his soul-----just not in the same way.

it's different now; i have to try harder, put in so much more effort on my part to be able to feel my sweet boy.

maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

maybe i need these tests, these trials, these times where i have to really try......maybe i need this to make me a better person.

maybe i need to be stronger, and strength comes from struggle.

true strength comes from the ability to keep trying, when all you want to do is give up.

i am trying.

i am trying everyday to find hope in this heartache.

to find peace in this awful pain.

i catch glimpses of it.

i have moments where everything is clear and in those moments i feel him.

i feel my beautiful boy's perfect spirit, and everything is okay.

in those moments i'm not cold.  there is a warmth that comes that could only be matched if i were actually holding him again.

i miss him.

plain and simply, i just miss him.

 i always will.

 

but i'll keep trying.

and hoping and searching for peace.

and when those moments come, i will treasure them and hold onto to those feelings.

i'll keep them in my heart for days when i'm just cold.

days like today.

 

happy Fall Sunday, everyone.

<3

9 months

9 months today.

nine whole months since my perfect little soul mate left this earth.

9 months of me without him; mommy without her beautiful boy.

nine months is hard.

and it still baffles me that it seems like so much longer.

it feels like ages since i've held him or kissed his sweet face or listened to his noisy breathing.

ages since i've suctioned him or given him his meds or sang to him in the tub.

it feels like ages since i've changed his tube or tickled his toes or told him how much mommy loves him.

it has to be longer than nine months.

9 months can't be right.

 it feels like so much longer.

to my heart, it feels like forever.

i go on about my days because that's what i have to do-----i go on, moving forward in this life because that's the only choice i have.  i go on because that's what he would want his mommy to do, and because that's what his Sissy needs most.

i go on because i can't go back, and standing still would hurt the most.

i go on.......

but oh, sometimes how i wish i could just go back!!

one more snuggle, or kiss or smell of his sweet breath.

one more chance to look him in the eyes, and have him look right back into mine......one more chance for him to really see me so he can see the love that is in my heart.

because when he looked at me, when he really saw me.......his eyes pierced into the very deepest part of my soul, and i knew he knew.

i knew he knew of my love for him and in those moments, i could feel the power of heaven through his beautiful blue eyes.

he was so wise, so strong, so perfect.

he was everything.

and i just miss him.

i am trying to do things to make him proud.

i am trying to move forward in a way that honors his life and all that he taught me.

i am trying to be present in a life that feels so big and empty and new.

i am trying.

i keep trying, and that's all i can do.

9 months makes no sense.

the days go by but time has lost all meaning to me.

 i will just trust in my heart and my love and my hope and faith.

that's all i've got.

mommy misses you, angel boy.

always.

<3

birthday ramblings...

so it's Sunday......

AND it's my birfday.

birthday fancy pants.

i miss my favorite gift-----birthday kisses from my beautiful boy.

it's a hard 'first' without him.

he was always my first kiss of the day (because we were always up past midnight).  so he was always the first one to see me on my birthday, and now he's not here.

i miss him.

i'm 31.

i'm thirty-one years old and i've outlived my son.

that's hard.

i've been missing his sweet presence so much lately.

i'd give anything to spend my nights holding him again.

i'd give anything to kiss his perfect little cheeks, to run my fingers through his soft hair.

i just want to take in his sweet scent and rock him in my arms again.

oh, how i miss him!

my sweet little girl knows all this.

she misses him just as much in her own way, too.

she knows my heart and always knows how to make me smile.

she gave me my birthday gift early last night, because she couldn't wait.

she handed me a card........a blue envelope with beautiful little angel wings drawn on the back.

(oh, my heart)

then she had me open the gift-----a blue superman shirt....... so perfect, so absolutely perfect.

(oh, my tender heart)

she was so happy to see my excitement and my big smile.

this morning i woke up to a sign on my door and little happy birthday signs throughout the house....

and then she handed me this home-made card......

 (oh, my precious heart!)

she is such a good daughter, my BFF.

i would be so lost without her.

i am so blessed.

i am blessed beyond measure by all of the genuinely good people i'm surrounded by daily.

i'm blessed with a family that loves me and friends that are like family.

i've been through a lot in my 31 years, and made more mistakes than i care to mention.

i've made a lot of bad choices, but am now striving to make the good ones outweigh the bad.

i've been through things that have brought me pain and sorrow, some (ok, most) as a result of my own doing.......but i've never felt pain so big and deep as i have these past nine months.

it's a pain that can't be described because words can't do it justice.

they call it grief.

they call it grief, but grief doesn't come close to touching it.

'grief' is just a blanket term for something so deep and wide that no amount of words could ever come close to describing.

it's an all-encompassing pain, and it rocks you to the depths of your very soul.

but it's there, and i have accepted it's presence----grief is now a part of me, and it will be for the rest of time.

and that's okay.

because the grief reminds me of the love, and the love is all mine.

i can welcome grief because i have enough love to counteract it.

grief cannot consume me, the love won't let it.

i have learned a lot throughout my lifetime, and most of those teachings came from my children.

(and my dad---well he tried, i just wasn't always ready to listen:)

i am grateful to be where i am today---grief and all.

i miss my beautiful little boy.

i just do.

i will always miss him.

i am thankful for the time i was given, to be his mom and for the privilege of being able to care for his every need for six beautiful years.

i love my little aubrey girl.

with all my heart.

she keeps me going, and loving, and living.

i am blessed!

i am another year older and i am blessed.

that's what i want to say today---i am blessed.

happy birfday Sunday to you.

<3

who am i without him?

it's been a long time since i've written.

i've been so busy, so stressed, so much going on.

my dad was here all week, helping out my sister with her new baby and also for my sweet girl's baptism last Saturday.

let's talk about that:)

my beautiful little girl chose to be baptized on the 6th of September, and it was a wonderful day.

 

i know she felt loved and special, and she had so much support on her special day.

it meant a lot to her to have Papa baptize her; to me too.

she even wore the same dress i wore when i was 8 and baptized by my dad.

it was special for both of us.

she is so beautiful and i'm so proud of her.

she's been through so much.

 

too much for a tender girl, only 8 years old.

her Connie was there, we could feel him.

i know he's so proud of his Sissy and the decisions she's making and the way she's handling life without him.

she has been dealt a difficult hand in her short life, and she's handled it all so well.

she is strong, but oh, how she misses her brother...

oh, how i miss my sweet boy.

 oh, how we miss him!

school is proving to be an immense challenge for me, in every way possible.

i am going at it full force, giving it everything i can.......and it's hard.

it's a challenge because of my fears and anxieties surrounding the social aspect of it all...

it's a challenge because of my 12 year hiatus from any type of schooling...

it's a challenge because, well, it's just challenging.

and the biggest challenge of all is not having my beautiful boy at the end of the day to calm all my fears.

i don't have my biggest source of comfort anymore and it hurts.

i miss him so much.

everyone i talk to or interact with or just see walking by, i want to scream, "I HAD A SON!!  I HAD A SON AND HE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND NOW HE'S GONE!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY SON!!!"

 

i had a son.

who am i without my son?

 

i am trying so hard to figure that out.

the problem is i don't want to be anything without him.....i don't want to have to be anything else besides with him.

i miss being with him.

i just miss him so much.

 

it's scary to me to be myself when one of the best parts of me is gone.

my sweet boy was one of the things i loved most about me.....we were part of each other and i learned to love myself through those very same parts.

my kids are the best parts of me.

 now one of those parts is gone.

and it's hard.

it's hard to be 'me' without him.

i don't feel like me.

i just miss him.

 

i just do.

happy Sunday to you.

<3