it's all the love

13 months today.

the 23rd will always be hard, always be tender...

i really miss him.

 i love him so much, my son.

i've been struggling a bit lately, just with things about myself, within myself...stressing about life and everything in it.  it's these times, these moments of stress where i would give anything to just hold my beautiful boy again.

to listen to his little noises and feel his smooth skin while i run my hands across his forehead and play with his hair.  to just feel his body nestled perfectly into my arms with my chin resting on the top of his head while i rock him back and forth.....

oh, sigh.

he was so calming, i gleaned so much comfort from my son just by holding him, loving him.

i miss that with all my heart and soul.

that closeness, that comfort....i ache for it.

my heart feels like it's bruised, the tenderness is palpable.  there's so much love in there that my heart can't contain it.  maybe it's all the love, not the hurt, that causes this deep pain.  i'm only hurting because i have so much love for my son that i don't know what to do with it anymore.  i can't physically hold him or kiss him or care for him like i used to.  my love isn't being transferred directly to him in person anymore....it's been building up in my heart and the pressure is intense.

it's all the love.

the love is so BIG and my heart isn't sure what to do with it all yet.

i miss him so much because i love him so much more than i can ever describe.

my heart is trying to adjust.

i'm trying to adjust.

i'm always trying.

i will always try.

i'm grateful for the LOVE.

<3