who am i....?

happy first Sunday of 2015.

a new year.

sigh.

newness is a good thing, right?

fresh starts, new resolve, infinite possibilities....

right?

to be honest, "newness" scares the crap out of me.

i have such a fear of the unknown, of change....i'm trying to understand it so i can become less afraid.

i'm trying to understand where this deep fear comes from so i can stop worrying about the future and embrace all those good things----the freshness, the newness, the possibilities..

i'm not there yet.

i'm still quietly aching inside for what was.

i still miss what i had.

i just miss my sweet boy.

i am trying.

oh, my heart am i trying.

i feel myself growing, changing......and even that's scary for me.

what if i change too much?  what if i don't change enough? what if i change into something that's not good....or not good enough??

what if i change so much that i'm not the same ME that i remember with my sweet boy....?

 

....who AM i even??

 

i don't really know who i am anymore, and that's a frightening realization altogether.

i'm not sure i've really ever known, except i know for 100 percent certainty that whenever i was holding my beautiful boy, or when i cuddle my sweet girl....that's when i'm the most ME. 

 

i knew myself best when i was caring for my beautiful boy.

 

i'm missing so much of myself since he's been gone.

i'm missing those parts of me that i knew best, those parts of me that i accepted more than any other part of myself.

i'm missing him....i'm missing me.

 i'm not sure i'm making much sense.

it's just hard.

but i'm trying.  i'm trying my hardest to overcome these silent but raging fears of mine.  i'm trying to understand things about myself so i can move forward with a sense of confidence i'm not sure i've ever experienced.

i'm not there yet...

but i'm still trying.

i've got so many good reasons to try.

 

 happy New Year to you.

<3