what i NEED you to know..

Sunday.

my heart is full of so many emotions today.

yesterday i went to the funeral services for my dear friend's perfect little infant baby.

oh, my heart.

so tender.

i see my friend ache for the loss of her perfect baby boy and i'm aching right there with her, for her.

my heart feels so much.

so much.

more than anything i wish i could take this pain from her!!

i wish no one had to feel this pain....this hurt!

if i could, i would take this pain a MILLION times over if it meant no one else had to feel it!!

i'd do it in a heartbeat, a million times over.

as many times as i had to to ensure no one else had to experience these feelings.

i just wish i could take it all.

i struggle.

i am struggling with the loss of my beautiful boy....but i want people to know---i want whoever is reading this who might be going through something similar---i want you to know that even though it's hard and it hurts and some days just SUCK....it'll be okay.

i won't sugarcoat anything---it still hurts.

it's still hard and breathing is still something i'm trying to master..

but it's okay.

the "rawness" of it all fades to a familiarity that becomes a part of you, a part that you grow to love and nurture and cherish.

the horrendous pain that leaves you without breath and wondering if you can even survive another second----that pain transforms into something less frantic, less exposed.

it's a part of me, this pain, and i protect it.

it's familiar now, so i'm not so terribly afraid of it.

i can live with it, and living is still a beautiful thing.

my heart still feels HOPE and LOVE and JOY.

i'm still sad and i still ache for my sweet boy...oh, how i miss my sweet boy...

but sadness and longing can coexist with hope and love, i've learned.  i didn't know that it was possible, i had a deep fear that i would never really feel happiness again, i was afraid it wasn't possible.

 it is.

it's possible to find happy in the midst of heartache.

i want anyone out there who questions whether they can do it, whether they can go on or not---i want you to know that you CAN...you WILL.

true strength comes without you even knowing it....it's just there.  you don't need to seek for it, it will find you.

it already has.

i have so many emotions, so much LOVE and empathy and compassion for so many people....sometimes it feels like my heart won't hold it all.

but i guess that's not what the heart is supposed to do...it's not meant for holding all those things, it's meant to give them away.

sending SO much love to all of you.

happy Sunday..

<3