two days before.

these next photos were taken December 21st, two days before my sweet baby passed away.

.......................

this was a hard day.

this was the day i started calling and texting friends and family.  telling them that if they wanted to come see my beautiful boy, time was precious and it was running out.

every time i sent another text i wanted to make myself stop.  if i just stopped sending the texts, it wouldn't be real!  if people stopped coming to say goodbye, i wouldn't have to say it myself.  with every visit, every tearful hug from a friend---the reality of it all sunk in so deeply to my soul.  i could feel myself going through the motions---sending the texts, giving those hugs, explaining the situation and the reality of it all----but i felt like i wasn't present fully.  like i was standing over myself, watching me do all these horribly unbelievable things.  i wanted to tell me to STOP!!

stop it!!  this can't be happening to your sweet boy, to MY sweet boy!!

i just wanted it to stop.

of course, it didn't.

it wouldn't stop.

it couldn't.

i prayed a lot.

i spend so much time praying that i was making the right decisions.

 and when it became divinely clear that i was, i prayed for sweet comfort for my beautiful son.

i prayed for absolute peace for his sweet soul.  i prayed and prayed and prayed for my sweet boy.

i prayed he knew how much mommy loved him.

i prayed for his sister, i prayed so hard for her to somehow understand all this and to be able to accept it and feel safe through it all.  i prayed for her to know how much her brother loves her even though he could never say it.

i prayed so much.

if my dad hadn't been there i think this is the day i would have fallen apart.

luckily i had his strength, and the strength of my tiny little superhero, my brave son, to lean on.

he was so brave.

<3