faith.

sigh.

these last few weeks since Connor's surgery have been the worst days of my life.

hands down.

but first, let me start off by saying that last night was one of the best nights my sweet boy has had since his surgery.  he still struggled, but slept much better and more peacefully than he has in weeks.

i am so grateful for that!!

during these weeks of watching my beautiful little boy struggle, watching him suffer so immensely ALL DAY LONG, has been absolute torture for me.

i have spent most of this time on my knees----begging, pleading, crying, screaming, questioning, weeping, wailing, and just plain aching for my son.  i have never seen someone so little, so perfectly beautiful, suffer so much.  it has been heart-breaking, and painful.

i have spent many long, sleepless nights questioning why????

why him??

why not me instead??

why does my beautiful little boy have to go through this??

and why is there no relief??????

i just wanted it to stop!  i wanted to take it all from him!  i just wanted some relief for my sweet boy!

i honestly have never seen someone suffer so much, for so long.

it was literally breaking my heart a million times a day.

although i questioned Heavenly Father, and at times was so angry with him for not taking this away from my son, i always had faith.  i always trusted that He knew what was going on and He was in control and that everything would turn out the way He intended, even if i didn't understand or thought it wasn't fair.

i never once felt abandoned or alone, and i know that was His grace, His strength that was even getting me through.  that, and my dad.

there is no other way i could have gotten through these weeks, these nights, these days.

i know there is a purpose to all of this, even if i have no idea what it is right now.

last night, as i was holding my beautiful son, and he was struggling, grinding his little teeth so hard, i started singing to him (and i do not sing).  i started singing little nonsense songs, and "his song" (the tarzan song), and he looked at me for the first time in weeks, really looked at me.  and all of a sudden it seemed like he was back.  he looked more like himself than he had in weeks.

i think, and this is just my theory, that he really wasn't here, not fully throughout all of this.  i think his perfect little soul couldn't fully be there to handle all of this suffering.  i think he had to not fully be present in order to endure all of the pain.  he seems like a different person now.  like himself.  like my beautiful, beautiful boy.

now, that doesn't mean he isn't still struggling.  he's still in pain, still grinding his teeth, still flailing and jerking, but he just feels more like my sweet boy.  there is a peace now that wasn't there before.

i am so incredibly grateful for this. 

for the first time in weeks i don't feel helpless.

i hope by writing all this it doesn't jinx it..........

i am still hoping and praying for improvement everyday.  there is a long way to go, with no real 'end' in sight, because we still have no answers or no real way of knowing what is to come.

i just have to have faith.

and i do.

<3