after the busyness is over......

it's been a while since i've written.

i feel like i need to write.

.............

i'll start with yesterday.

yesterday was one of the absolute hardest days of my life, i buried my sweet baby boy.

it's been such a whirlwind of busy since my sweet boy passed.  i've been busy with a purpose....planning his funeral.  i've been busy choosing photos, writing the obituary, writing the eulogy, planning the program, and going over all the choices and options and decisions at the mortuary.

all the busyness has kept my mind occupied, has helped me not focus on the fact that my arms are so empty, has helped me ignore the ache that is permanently radiating throughout my body, the ache to hold my sweet baby again.

all that busyness led up to yesterday, the funeral of my beautiful boy.

i woke up yesterday morning with a nervous, anxious feeling.  i knew it was going to be a hard day.

it was.

i got to the church extra early.  me, my sweet aubrey girl, my dad and teresa arrived at the church at the exact time they were bringing my sweet boy in.

i set up all the photos and books and mementos from the night before at the viewing.

i tried to make everything perfect for my beautiful boy.

my friend made a photo slide show that was absolutely perfect.  she used a Superman song, "I am a Child of God", the Tarzan song, and "Sirens".  it was all so perfect.

there was a short viewing before the funeral service, and then about a half an hour before the funeral were some of the hardest moments of my life......saying goodbye to my sweet baby boy before they closed the casket was gut wrenching, so incredibly hard.

i left some special things with him, i'll share those at a later date.

my sweet boy looked so handsome. (although aubrey said he was "a little too tan" :)

i picked out a black suit with black pinstripes and a perfectly blue tie.  he looked pretty sharp.  oh, and he had on his first pair of big boy undies.....Superman, of course.

the funeral service was beautiful.

such a perfect tribute to my sweet beautiful boy.

i had 2 beautiful musical numbers by friends that just made my heart weep with joy.  the first was a rendition of I Know that my Redeemer Lives, and the second was A Child's Prayer.  so beautiful.

i went up and spoke a few brief words, just introducing "Connor's Song", the Tarzan song.

i wanted to say so many more things about my sweet boy, but knew i couldn't have physically gotten through it.  luckily the song was able to say at least some of it...

i chose my dad to be the main speaker.  he did such a wonderful, perfect job.  i love my dad so much and he said everything just the way i would have said it.  i can never thank him enough for being brave and strong enough to be able to speak on behalf of my beautiful boy.

it was so perfect.

the service went just as i imagine it would.  it just all seemed so final, so real.  so hard. 

toward the end i found myself wanting to just hit rewind, so i could have more time, i wanted more time with my sweet boy.  it was all happening too fast.  too real.  too much...

 

the burial at the cemetery was beautiful as well.

my friends organized and brought balloons for a balloon release.  we released beautiful blue balloons along with some Superman ones mixed in.  watching them float up to heaven was a sweet feeling.  we laid single white carnations dipped in blue on top of my beautiful boy's casket.  my brother dedicated the grave.  it was all sweet and beautiful.  and real.

it all became so real yesterday.

we went back to the church for a luncheon put on by the sweet sisters from my ward.  they all did such an awesome job of taking care of so many details.  i have been helped so much by so many people, near and far.

i truly am so blessed to have so many good people in my life.  there is so much good in this world, and i am surrounded by so much of it.

my beautiful boy was epitome of everything that is good  about this world.

he was such a blessing to me, and everyone who had the good fortune of meeting him.

he was my saving grace.

he saved me.

in every way that counts, he saved me.

it was, and has always been my privilege to take care of him.

every day.

every single day, good and bad, it was my sweet privilege to take care of my sweet, beautiful, blue-eyed boy.

he was my whole life, my whole days and nights, my whole everything, along with his sister.

my whole world has been changed in a matter of weeks.

everything is different for me, Connor consumed every waking (and non-waking) moment of my life.  and i loved every second of it.

i miss my sweet boy. so much.

i'd give anything to be able to hold him again, to suction him again, to do all the monotonous tasks i am so used to doing, day in and day out.

i feel so out of sorts.

so lost.

i just long for my sweet boy.

 

i know the hard part starts now.

the hard part starts after the funeral, after all the busyness comes to an end.

especially after my dad leaves, on friday.

the hard part is now, and in the coming days, weeks, months.  years.

i just miss him.

i just miss my sweet beautiful baby boy.

i just love him.

i just do.

<3