it's ok, momma's got you....

today has been the hardest, most gut wrenching day of my life.  there are no words to describe what i'm feeling, but i feel like i need to get words out so i'm just going to write...

today i lost my son.

i lost the best part of me.

today my son left me, left this world to go to a better one and live with his Father in Heaven.

he's gone.

he's no longer with me and i miss him so much.

my beautiful boy and i were connected, we were one.

i have not spent more than a few hours in a row away from my son for the whole 6 years he was on this earth.

i have never been apart from him as long as i have been today.

i feel lost, and broken and empty and i don't think it's truly sunken in yet.

i feel like i'm missing something.

i am.

with all that said though, i also feel an undeniable peace that's so strong i can't deny it.

my beautiful boy was ready to go.

it was his time.

it was a beautiful release for him.

for the past 3 months he has been suffering every waking moment, with only brief respites of calmness when he wore himself out enough to sleep. and that would only last for short periods of time.

he has been struggling so hard, fighting so hard to just be.

he is the strongest little boy i will ever know.

his perfect little body has been failing him slowly for a long time, but over the last few months has just rapidly been declining at a rate that could not be helped.

by the time we reached the hospital, i knew it was his time.

for his whole life i have always known i would be able to know when that time would come.  i trusted that the Lord would guide me and whisper to me exactly what he needed and when his time with me was up, when his mission here was done.

i have felt that soft whisper for the past few months, but have tried my very hardest to not hear it, that if i could ignore it it would not be true, it would not be real.

i was not ready.  i could never be ready.  i didn't want to ever be ready.

i'm still not ready and it already happened.

when i walked my sweet beautiful boy into the hospital this last time to get his trach, i had an undeniable feeling that i would not be leaving with him.

after his trach was placed and his breathing didn't improve, after being ventilated and able to breathe and realizing that breathing didn't bring him any relief, that breathing didn't stop the suffering while he was awake, it dawned on me that his breathing hasn't been the main issue.  his breathing problems i realize now were more of a symptom of what was really going on, his deteriorating brain disease (whatever that may be) is the cause of his discomfort, the cause of his problems breathing.

i just love him so much and miss him more than i can even try to describe.

this morning i held my sweet boy in my arms as he slowly, peacefully faded away, making a beautiful transition into a celestial world full of peace and light free of all pain and suffering.

i held my beautiful son in my safe arms and reassured him over and over that it was ok, "momma's got you".  i told him it was ok to go and that i would miss him with my whole entire being and made him promise to visit me from time to time.

i slept in his hospital bed last night and had long long talks and long hard cries with him.  he promised me he'd watch over his sister, it was his turn to take care of her like she's taken care of him.

i had the most personal, tender, spiritual experience as my sweet boy slipped away from this world and entered into Heaven.

it's very personal and tender and dear to me, maybe to much to share on here, but i can say that i know for 100% certainty that my beautiful boy is safe and at peace and that i will see him again.  i know that he is with family members that have passed on before, i know he is with my Aunt Kitty who i have never had the privilege of meeting.  i know that he is free of pain and suffering and that his body is perfect and he can walk and talk and breathe.

i know this.

holding my son as he passed from this life to the next was a beautifully peaceful experience, it's the here and now that becomes hard.

my sweet girl is grieving deeply for the loss of her best friend, her little brother, her "Connie".  she is the sweetest, most tender-hearted little girl i know.  she spent last night in Connor's hospital bed with him, taking care of him, washing his hands and feet, listening to his heartbeat, kissing his forehead.  our incredible nurse let her give him his meds.

we had the privilege of having the same nurse the last 3 nights in a row, and she and i had an instant bond, she said she felt on the very first night that Connor had grabbed ahold of her heart.  she was with us last night and stayed on into the morning/day shift just so she could assist with the passing of my sweet boy.

she is my angel.

my dad has been here for me the whole entire time, and i would not have been able to survive without him.

i have relied and been lifted up by the love and support of so many people from all across the country.

i am so blessed to have so much love surround me.

i can feel it all.

i am at a loss for how to go on, but then i look at Aubrey and i know i can and i will.  i know we will do it together, she and i.

she is my everything and i love her so much.

i miss my beautiful boy with every ounce of my whole entire being.

Aubrey told me he's with me, i just have to look up.

i know he is.

i just wish i could hold him.

i just long to hold my sweet boy.

my arms feel so empty without him.

i know life goes on, life moves forward, i'm just not sure how yet.

but i will figure it all out, in time.

i love my sweet boy, i miss him dearly.

i hope he knows how much mommy loves him.

i hope he knew how hard i tried.

i hope he is looking down and smiling, his first 'real smile'.

i believe he is.

<3