i will wait.

it's Sunday.

usually i'd be busy getting my sweet boy's fancy pants on so i could force he and his sister into taking fancy-pants pictures with me.....

 aubrey and i will continue to put our fancy pants (tights?) on, week after week, but i know i will always feel that ache, that strong ache, wanting to get my sweet boy dressed too.

eventually, i will resume our fancy pants picture time.....my sweet girl and i will continue on with our silly pictures, it might just take me a few weeks to get there.

time will tell.

 

i spent my first night alone in my house last night.

ever.

it was, well, lonely.

but no more so than during the day or even when i'm surrounded by people, for that matter.

i am not afraid of being by myself.  it's just a lonely feeling without my beautiful boy in my arms.

period.

any time of day.

it's a feeling i could never describe.  only someone who has been through something similar would be able to come close to understanding that feeling.

that distinct, awful, powerful feeling.

and it just comes, hits me hard throughout the day.

and there's no other way around it but to just feel it.

some days i welcome the feeling, because it makes me feel closer to my sweet boy.

i know he's around me, i know he's watching over me, giving me sweet bits of strength when he knows i need it. 

 i know he knows me better than anyone ever has or ever will.

i know he's still a part of me, the best parts of me still lies within him.

and i know he's strong beyond measure now, even more than before, because now his body is perfected and all the trials and limitations he had in this life have been washed away and he is free to use all the strength that laid dormant inside his earthly body.

he is whole.

i know he is.

it's me that is missing something, it's me that will not be whole again in this life.

it's me that will have to wait for that complete wholeness, until i can see him and hold my sweet baby again.

i will wait.

perhaps not as patiently as i should most days, but i will wait.

i will do my best to live this life, to live it in a way that my sweet boy can be proud of.  in a way that he can say he's proud of his mommy.

i miss him.

every part of me misses him, but that's ok.

because i still feel him.

i still feel his strength, and his sweet, tender love.

i just love and miss him.

that is all.

happy Sunday to you.

<3