three days before.

these next pictures were taken three days before my beautiful boy passed.

...............................

at this point i think i was coming to grips with the reality of the situation.

i think it was becoming undeniably real that my sweet boy was not going to improve, that he would not make it much longer, that he would not pull through this time like he always had before.

it was all so painfully real.

i became so incredibly aware of how little time i had left with my precious boy.

it was a gut-wrenching, panicky, horrendous feeling-----one i couldn't ignore because i felt it in the depths of my soul.  i couldn't ignore it because it was happening.  every moment that passed was one i wanted back.  i just wanted time to stop, to take it all back, to reverse what was happening to my son.

i couldn't stop it.

i wanted to, but i couldn't stop time, i couldn't stop the inevitable.  the inevitable that was happening now, so quickly.  too quickly.

i could feel it happening.

i could feel my beautiful boy moving towards the completion of his brave mission here on this earth, in this life.

i could feel it and it shattered my soul.

i started touching each part of his perfectly imperfect body, memorizing every inch of beautiful white skin, every eyelash and crease of the nose and lips.  ingraining it all into my memory again for fear it would all be gone too soon.

 i memorized his perfect little baby feet.

i held his little hand, i held it tight.

i didn't want to ever let it go, i didn't want to ever forget how his tiny little fingers felt in my hand.  i wanted him to know how much i loved him and tried to protect him.  i wanted to just stay in those moments forever, to not have to move forward to the reality i knew was coming.

i sang to him.

his song, the Tarzan song.

i talked and talked and talked to him.  i apologized to him.  i reassured him.  i made him promise to look out for his Sister.  i made him promise he'd always be with me.

he did.

i felt him.

it was all just happening so fast.  it was all just so real.

too real.

and the absolute most heart-breaking part of it all was trying to explain it to my sweet girl in a way that she could understand,

i had been trying, in little ways, to prepare her for something like this for the past couple of months.  i thought she kind of understood, at least on some level anyway.

it became clear to me this night that she really did not.

she didn't get it, she didn't understand the reality of it.

she didn't understand that her brother was going to die and that he wouldn't be coming home with us this time.

her sweet little 7 year old mind could not wrap around the fact that 'her Connie' wasn't coming home, like he always did.

it broke my heart.

my heart hurt so badly for her.  i tried to explain as best i could the situation, i tried a couple different times this night, but i don't think she understood fully until the night before he died.

if only i could protect her from having to feel this loss, her only brother, her best friend.

<3