Behind Blue Eyes....: the morning of the last day.

these next photos are from December 23---my beautiful boy's last day with me here on earth.

i took these photos with my camera. i asked my sister to bring in her camera that morning to take some as well, but i think i'll save those for a separate post.

it's been hard for me to post these because they are the last photos i have, the last photos i can share of my sweet boy, alive. after i post these i won't have any 'new' ones left.

that is hard.

i shared my feelings when i got home on this day, after my beautiful son had passed away. (Behind Blue Eyes....: it's ok, momma's got you.... ) my feelings were raw and real and true and oh so painful.

i can't even remember writing it, or know how i was able to. but i'm glad i did. as painful as it is to document my sorrow, i'm glad i'm doing it. i feel like it's a necessary outlet for me, and i'm grateful for it.

this morning was hard.

it was heavy. i could feel the weight of it, the realness of it all.

it was my sweet baby boy's last day. it was here and everything leading up to this day felt like it was swallowing me whole.

i had spent the entire night in my sweet boy's bed, holding him tight. we had some tender moments, long talks, hard cries and more kisses than i can count. it was the hardest and best night of my life.

but morning came too soon...

i had desperately been trying to get someone to come in for the past few days to take plaster molds of my beautiful boy's hands and feet. no one had come yet and i was getting so worried it wouldn't happen. but someone finally came in early this morning and did them. they turned out to be the most precious, perfect keepsake. they turned out beautiful. i'm so glad i have them to keep forever---my beautiful boy's perfect little hand with his perfect little fingers and his perfect tiny little baby foot.

after he had the molds done, his nurse and i gave him a bath. we washed his perfect little body, one last time.

i was very aware that everything i was doing, i would be doing one last time.

i cannot describe to you the weight of that feeling. the utter helplessness of that feeling. there are no words.

here are my beautiful boy's perfect little fingers, his sweet little hand in mine with my HOPE necklace. this is the necklace i wore every time we went to the hospital. i never went without it and never took it off while we were there.

i haven't taken it off since that day. i still have it on and will wear it the rest of my life, to remember my sweet boy and to give me that hope i so desperately need to get through each day.

after my sweet baby's bath, i was finally able to hold him. we disconnected all his excess tubes that he wouldn't need. we stopped his feeds, took off all his monitors and leads. the only thing still hooked up to him were his I.V.s and his ventilator.

it felt SO good to just hold him!

it was the best i had felt since we'd been admitted to the hospital.

everything just felt so right when he was in my arms.

it's like i could finally breathe.

oh, my sweet boy!

mommy misses you so much. i miss holding you, and kissing your sweet face. i miss your sweet smell, your little nose. the way you'd move your little eyebrows and your sweet little noises. i miss every single thing about you. mommy loves you so much.

i had some good time alone with him, just me and my beautiful boy, before my dad came with aubrey and before everyone else got there.

those were the sweetest moments that i will cherish forever, finally being able to hold my sweet baby boy. being able to sit and actually hold him without a million tubes getting in the way. i had been longing for this moment for so long.

it felt so good.

he was so perfect.

my dad brought aubrey that morning. she was eager to spend time with her brother. she brought a book for me to read to them, as promised. she was being so brave, such a good big sister. the perfect sister to her perfect little Connie.

she wanted to do 'fancy-pants picture time' (without the fancy, or the pants, in connor's case) one last time....

of course, there had to be silly...

and then we let connor choose...

i cannot tell you how much i miss taking pictures with both my beautiful babies. our little family of three. i'm glad aubrey had the idea to do it one last time.

Papa and his Superboy.

the love and comfort that my dad provided for me, especially at this time, is indescribable. he was my rock. without him i would have crumbled. i watched him during this whole week. i saw him, being there for me, and mainly for aubrey. he was a constant, a comforting shoulder to cry on and a safe place for my sweet girl to go to. he was comfort to me. but he was also suffering. i also saw the pain in his eyes, the heartbreak in his tears. my heart ached for his. but his strength literally saved me. i don't think he realizes the impact he has had, and continues to have on me.

he's my person.

i'm so thankful for him.

these last hours with my sweet boy----they are hours i will never forget.

i just wanted them to last forever. i wish they could have lasted forever.

somehow everything just seemed ok when he was in my arms. when i was holding my beautiful boy, everything was fine.

"it's ok, momma's got you"

--these were the words i just kept repeating, over and over to my sweet son.

but really, it was he who had me.

i've never felt so safe as i did when he was with me.