five days before: after the trach, and his birthday.

i'm continuing on with my photos from the final week of my sweet boy's life.

.........................

these next pictures are from the day after his tracheotomy, December 18th.

it was also his birthday.

my beautiful boy turned 6, had his final birthday in the hospital, 5 days before he passed away.

i remember taking this picture of his birthday balloons, having that knowing feeling in my gut that these might be his last.

he was not doing well at this point.

it quickly became evident that his breathing was still not improving, even with a trach.

his trachea was still collapsing and closing below the trach.

and then even on a ventilator, he was still struggling.  even with his breathing being completely regulated by a ventilator, he was still so agitated when he was awake.  he was still suffering so much, it was the most heart-breaking realization for me----that his breathing was not the main issue.

fixing his breathing, putting him on a ventilator, did not take away his pain and discomfort.

his body was breaking down, shutting down, and he was suffering.

i cannot describe to you the heart break and utter anguish i felt, watching my sweet beautiful boy be in so much pain.

there was so much pain.

i would have laid down my life in a heart beat if i could have taken that pain away from him.

i felt so helpless.

i wanted so badly for this surgery to bring my son relief.

i wanted it so badly. 

i wanted a magic fix.  i wanted something to work for him, to help him.

i wanted it so badly.

i guess i knew in the back of my mind going into this surgery that it might not help, that it might not work, but to have those thoughts and fears turn into such a harsh reality was heart-breaking.

devastating.

 and real.  it was all so real.

in these next 2 pictures, i know it may look like my sweet boy is 'smiling', but these are probably the hardest pictures for me to see because i know the pain behind that face, that 'smile'......when he has this look, it's because his jaw is clenched so tight, he's so uncomfortable that his jaw tightens and he grinds his teeth together.  it makes it look like he's smiling, but i can tell you for sure that he's not.  these are the hardest 'looks' for me to see.

 

 he is so beautiful.  so perfect.  

i wanted to help him so badly.

i just loved him.  i just love him.

i wish love was enough to fix everything.

i wish love could heal and mend and reverse all wounds.

i wish love could bring him back.

.............

i know that it cannot.

but i know that it can help carry me through.

i know that love can help ease my pains, my hurts, my burdens.

i know that love can be felt, even when he's not here in my arms, where he's meant to be.

i can feel his love.

i can feel love all around me.

it's not the same as before, but it hasn't left.

and for that, i am so very grateful.

<3