the night before.

i'm continuing on with pictures from December 22nd.  these are from that night.

the night before.

the night before my sweet baby, my beautiful boy died.

the last night we ever spent with my sweet boy.

a night i will never forget, will always treasure, and will forever haunt me.

but also a sweet, tender night that belonged to his sister.

i remember this night being a turning point for aubrey.  i remember seeing her, watching and observing, and i witnessed the moment when it all sunk in for her.....she finally got it.  she understood what was happening to her baby brother.  her special little brother, her best friend.  i saw her come to terms with the fact that he was dying, that this would be the last night she ever spent with him.  i saw her realize all this. i had talked to her about it time and time again before this night, but it was on this night---the eve of her brother's death----that she finally understood.  it was heart-breaking and painful, and also such a sad relief.

i was beginning to worry that she wouldn't get it, that she wouldn't (or couldn't) understand such an awful grown up thing.  how could an innocent little 7 year old's mind grasp such a harsh, earth shattering reality?

how could mine?

i was getting worried that i would have to keep explaining this awful truth to her, over and over, and she still wouldn't understand.  i had been doing just that all week.  it was a new heart break every time i tried to explain.  so it was a bitter relief when i saw her finally start to understand.

and then something so tender and beautiful happened...

aubrey started caring for her brother in a way i will forever treasure in my heart and in my soul.

she climbed right up on his bed and starting taking care of him, loving him, serving him.

she asked for the stethoscope so she could listen to her brother's heart and lungs. 

 she wanted the chapstick so she could put it on his sweet little lips.

she washed his feet, his hands, his body with wet wipes.   she checked his diaper to make sure it was dry.  she felt his pulse (or tried to, she had trouble feeling it).  she combed through his hair.  she checked his I.V.s to make sure they were still in.  our sweet angel of a nurse let her give connor his meds.  i cannot tell you how much i appreciate that.  i will never forget how wonderful our nurse was, letting aubrey tend to her brother in those last moments, something both aubrey and i will treasure forever.

aubrey accidentally squirted some of connor's meds on her while she was pushing them through his tube and she needed to change but didn't have any clothes, so she changed into connor's pants:)  the ones he wore into the hospital.  they were a perfect fit.  i don't know why, but this made me happy.

 she took care of her baby brother so tenderly, so perfectly.

and then she just laid there.  she laid on connor's bed with him, next to him for so long.

she touched his feet and his little legs.  by this time his legs---his whole body, was so cold because of the cold blanket he was on to get his fevers controlled.  he was literally laying on a sheet of ice and his skin was so cold.

at one point aubrey placed this pillow under his hand because his leg was so cold and she was worried his fingers would get too cold too.

i'm so grateful my dad was there.  he is such a comfort to me and to my sweet girl.

it was getting late, almost midnight and my little girl didn't want to leave her brother.

i could see the pain and anguish in her eyes.  i knew she knew.  i knew she understood that tonight would be the last night with her special brother, with her best friend in the whole world.

 she didn't want to leave.

every time i'd mention it was getting late and she needed to get to bed so she could come back in the morning, i'd see the panic in her eyes.

she didn't want to leave her brother.

i know she was feeling all the same things i was....how could she stop this from happening??  how could she turn back time??   she just wanted to make it all stop, for it to all go away.  she just wanted more time with her brother.  this couldn't be happening, it just couldn't.

but it was.  and she knew it.  and she was devastated.  i finally had to make her leave, i had to physically remove her from the bed and hand her to my dad.  that was devastating for me.  i watched her cry---gut wrenching sobs---as my dad carried her down the hall, off the elevators.  i was broken.  my heart was broken for her.  she was carrying so much, too much for a little girl her age.  i wanted to protect her from it all, but i couldn't.  such a helpless feeling as a mother----watching one child die and another lose their best friend.  it was all so hard.  aubrey asked me before she left, "is Connie going to die tomorrow?"  and then she was worried that he wouldn't be there when she came back in the morning, she was worried he wouldn't make it through the night.  i promised her he would, that he would be there when she got back and that she could help me take care of him one last time tomorrow.  i told her to pick out a special book we could read to him.  i told her that was her job. 

after everyone left i fell apart.

it hit me so hard that this was the last night i would ever spend with my sweet baby.  it was the last night i could kiss his face and hold his little hand.

it was the hardest night of my entire life.

 and also the best.  because i climbed up into his hospital bed and stayed there until morning.  i spent the last night of my beautiful boy's life right by his side, in his bed, holding his perfect little body next to mine.  i talked to him and cried to him all night long.  it was hard, but so beautifully perfect.  i have never felt more love in my life than i did that night, and that next morning during the last moments of his life.  i felt so much love.  i felt it all around me.  i felt my sweet boy's love, which is the pure love of Christ.  i have never been so happy and utterly heart-broken at the same time.  

i love him so much.

i miss my sweet boy.

today it's been one month.

one month since i've held my precious boy.

it feels like a million lifetimes.

i am thankful for my memories and for the love i still feel from my beautiful boy.

mommy misses you, sweet angel.

<3