the week before.

i am going to post some pictures.

i have pictures i took the week leading up to, and the day of my sweet boy's passing.

i am going to start by posting the ones from the week before.

these first 5, i took the night of December 16th, the night before i took my beautiful boy to the hospital for his tracheotomy.

he was struggling really hard, but i felt an urgency to have his Sissy lay beside him (one last time) so i could take their picture together.

just like they always were...

 i'm so glad i had that prompting, so glad i have these pictures of my babies laying together for the last time.

i love my sweet babies.

and i loved them most when they were together.

it made my heart so full, to see my sweet girl love her special brother so completely, so easily, so perfectly.

they really were the best of friends.

they were perfect for each other.

<3

these next few are from the morning of the 17th, when i took him in for his trach surgery.

he was struggling so hard, just barely able to breathe.

he really scared the nurse that checked us in, enough for her to page several more nurses and doctors and surgeons to come and freak out as well.

 at this point his trachea had collapsed.

i didn't know how badly at the time, but now i know his muscle tone just wasn't there at all anymore to keep his trachea open.  his degenerative brain disease (still unknown) had caused his muscles to waste away, and the last few months of his life he was rapidly declining.  it was just hard to pinpoint what the exact problem was---the breathing, or his brain disease.  i know now it was the brain issues that had caused his breathing to decline so quickly.

he was fighting so hard, he fought so hard to make it to the hospital.  he knew mommy needed him to make it to the hospital.

he was so strong, so brave.

so perfect.

i love him so much.

i know he held on for me, he held on so i could try everything in my power to help him.

he knew i needed to try everything.

i had to be able to know i did everything i could to save my sweet boy.

i did.

i tried everything.

i tried my best, tried so hard to save my beautiful boy.

i know there was nothing more that could have been done.

and i had to know that, for myself.  i had to know i did everything i could.

it's still so hard.

but i know he did his best.  i know he tried everything he could to hang on for me.  i know he fought the bravest and most valiant fight of his life, and i think he hung on longer than he had to, for me.

i know he knew me, and he knew i needed him to hang on for me as long as he could.

he did.

everything he did, he did perfectly.

he lived his life with such grace and beauty and strength.

he was my example, my strength, my hero.

he's so beautiful.

....................

i'll post the rest of the pictures later.

<3