the morning after: blue ribbons and angels.

the first night i spent without my sweet boy was by far the hardest night of my life.

the loneliest i've ever felt.

the next morning i was disoriented, still so lonely, still so heartbroken.  my face was swollen from crying so much.  so many tears had fallen, and it seemed like they would never stop.

my dad came and got me and said, "you have to come outside and see this."

i got aubrey and opened the front door and this is what we saw:

of course, i started crying again.

there were blue ribbons everywhere.

all up and down our street (and leading all the way to our church, i found out later) were blue ribbons tied so sweetly to every tree, pole and mailbox.

up in our tree were dozens of angels, hanging and sparkling amongst the branches.

aubrey was amazed.  she said, "Connie was here!!" 

my heart was broken, but was so full at the same time!

i later found out that some sweet women from church were responsible for all this.  (and maybe my beautiful boy did a few himself ;)

this simple gesture---tying a ribbon, hanging an angel----meant the world to me.

it brought me comfort when i needed it the most.

it filled a deep empty place in my soul.

and the fact that it made aubrey so happy and so sure it was her brother that did it---that was the greatest part of it all.

i am continually blessed by the kindness and service of others.

i am always looking for signs from my sweet boy.

i always find one when i need it most.

i miss him.

i miss him so much i can't describe it.

the blue ribbons are still there. 

 angels are still glinting and glittering up in our tree.

aubrey and her friend collected the ones that had fallen, and i have them saved in connor's special box.

i miss everything about my beautiful little boy.

i know he is around me, leading and guiding me when i am at a loss of where to go or what to do.

he is my strength and my courage and my hope.

he is beautiful.

angel wings and all.

<3

i am trying.

it's Sunday, and we're happy because Papa is here:)

my dad came in for the weekend, but he has to leave early tomorrow morning to go give some speeches in Idaho for work.  it's always hard when it's such a quick trip.

i love my dad so much.

today has been especially hard.

today marks the '2 month' anniversary of my beautiful boy's death.

two months.

.....................................

two months seems like two years.

at least.

even aubrey told me it seems like it's been years.

it really does.

i took my dad to the cemetery after church today.

i still go almost every day.  i had to purposefully limit myself from going every single day.  i was starting to feel guilty if i couldn't make it and i know that's not a good thing.

i know my sweet boy wouldn't want me to feel that way either.

i'm trying.

i'm sad that my dad is leaving tomorrow.  he helps me so much.  i am working hard at helping myself, it's just so much better when he's here.

i really am trying, at so many aspects of my life.

i am trying to be a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better mom to aubrey, more loving towards myself.

i am trying.

today, i just really miss my sweet boy.

 i still can't understand how 2 months can feel like so much longer.

i am grateful for my dad, and for my sweet girl, and for my friends.

i am grateful that i am still trying, and that i have the desire to keep doing so.

i am grateful and i am trying.

happy Sunday.

<3

the loneliest night.

walking out the doors of the hospital without my son was the most heart-breaking exit i had ever made.

..........................................

and then the drive home was the longest ride of my life.

.............................

and still, it kept getting harder.

.................

when i walked into our house--without my sweet boy, without his suction machine--and came upon his 'spot' in the middle of the living room floor.....that was hard.

it was empty.

it was so painfully empty.

i made the walk back to his room, and it was empty.

everything was so empty.

i was empty.

i think i was also very numb.

everything seems so blurry, looking back.  i know i was in a daze.  i know being numb was my brain's way of protecting my heart from actually breaking.  there's no way i should have physically been able to keep living, because my heart was gone.  it wasn't there---it was back in the hospital with my beautiful little boy.

my heart should not have still been beating that day.

i don't know how it was, how it still is.

it is.  it just hurts.

my poor sweet girl.

this is the day she hurt the most.

the day we came home from the hospital, the day her special little brother died, was her hardest day.

i have never seen her more sad than i did on that day.

she cried.

she talked about how much she missed him.

she wanted to watch a video i have on my computer of her and connor over and over and over.

i'm sure we watched it at least 30 times that day.

she said she was sorry she hadn't 'played' with him more.  this broke my heart because i know she was feeling guilty---the same guilt i was experiencing for feeling like i should have done more, or spent more time showing my sweet boy how much i loved him.

i know we did our best, but the guilt was still there.

she clung to me.

she wouldn't leave my side, or even let me go to the bathroom without her.

she was so broken.

i was broken for her, and with her.

my dad was there for us through it all.

although broken himself, he was strong enough to keep us from falling.

he was our rock.

my sweet neighbors did something that night that i will forever be grateful for.

they put together a candlelight vigil for Connor. 

as soon as the sun went down, people started gathering outside my door, in our driveway with candles lit for my beautiful boy.

it was the sweetest gesture ever.

i don't remember much of what was said, or who all even came because i was so numb, but i do remember the warm feeling i had as i was leaning against my dad, holding my candle for my sweet son.

i felt his spirit there with me, in that moment.

i will forever be grateful for that.

after everyone left i needed to take a shower, but aubrey would not leave my side.

she panicked when i tried to tell her i'd be quick.

the only way i could get her to let me leave her for a minute was by telling her to lay in Connie's 'spot' until i was done.

she agreed to this.  i know she found comfort in lying in her little brother's special spot, just as he had almost every day of his life.

this is how i left her to go take a shower.....

 .....or how i left them.

Papa was there to comfort her when she needed it most.

they were both so broken, together.

i found them like this when i got out of the shower, asleep.

i quietly went back into my sweet boy's room, climbed into his bed and wept. 

i wept for my son.

i missed him so much i thought i might die.

i had never spent a night away from my son before.

ever. 

it was the loneliest night of my entire life.

i don't think i will ever feel more lonely than i did that night.

i miss him so much.

nights are still the hardest times for me.

they are the times when i allow myself to break down, to really feel.

they are still lonely, still sad.

but i know that with each night that passes, is another night closer to when i can finally hold my sweet boy again.

oh, what a sweet day that will be!

<3

i am learning.

it's Sunday again.

aubrey and i are trying to forge ahead with the fancy-pants Sunday picture time...

.....and then we decided we just needed our sweet boy.

ahh, much better.

and of course, there had to be a silly one.

we miss him so much.

today was especially hard for me because i had to teach in Young Women's at church, and it was my first time teaching without the comfort and protection of my beautiful boy on my lap.

my topic was "what is the purpose of life?"

oh man, was that hard.  i felt so much more insecure without my sweet boy there to help me.  but he was there.  and i talked about him.  and he helped me.  and i got through it.

it's just harder.

i am trying.

one of connor's teachers came by yesterday and brought a bag of his 'stuff' that i had left at school.  i had forgotten all about it.  in it were his leg braces, his shoes, tube supplies, and a cute little craft he 'made'.  this sweet little treasure made me smile....

 it really did make me laugh.  to see my sweet boy, sleeping through Kindergarten (as he did the entire 3 days he was there...)

seeing his little leg braces, however, was harder for me.

i don't know why, but these two tiny braces really tore at my heart.

i miss the little legs that went inside.

i miss the tiny feet that belong inside.

i just miss him.

i am learning how to 'do life' without him.

or without the physical him.  i know he is still 'with' me.  it's just so much harder to feel him.

i miss the little things.

i'm grateful for it all though.

i am learning.  i am growing.  i am grieving.

i am grateful for it all.

<3

my heart.

my heart aches for my sweet Valentine boy this year.

i miss his tender little lips and his sweet kisses.

i miss his perfect little face.

i miss holding him.  more than anything, i miss holding my beautiful boy.

aubrey found this Valentine from 'her Connie' this morning.

she loved it, as i hoped she would.

and then she brought me this:

oh, it was exactly what i needed, at the very moment i needed it!

my heart aches for my sweet boy every single day, but today is especially tender because he was my favorite Valentine every year.  he was always my 'sweetheart', my love, my guaranteed Valentine's date:)

and he gave the best kisses.  (or let me give them to him)

these two pictures are from last Valentine's Day, one year ago.

mommy misses you, sweet boy.....you will always be my forever Valentine.  i miss kissing your perfect little face....i can't wait till i can hold you again someday.  i'll be expecting some angel kisses today....

mommy loves you, buddy boo.

<3 

 i love him so much, i just do.

i'm so incredibly grateful for this sweet girl, my BFF, my sole Valentine's date:)

she is such an amazing little girl and she makes my heart keep beating.  she helps me to keep breathing, keep laughing, keep smiling.  she helps me pick up my broken pieces.

i love both my babies with all my heart.

happy love day.

<3

grief.

i've tried sitting down to write a "happy Sunday" post 3 times now, and i just haven't been able to do it...

i can't get past the word 'happy'.

i don't feel happy.

i feel sad.

and a "Sad Sunday" post just seems depressing.

i am not depressed, i'm just not 'happy'.

it's been hard lately.

i have so many different emotions going on all at the same time, all the time.

there is just a heaviness, a deep sadness, that is always there, even when i'm purposefully ignoring it.

it's just there.

i am not dwelling on it, i am not getting drowned by it, but it's there.  and it hurts.  and it hits me so hard throughout the day.

the littlest things will remind me of my sweet boy, or take me back to a specific time or memory, and then i can't control the grief.  it just takes the breath right out of me.  it's as if the air in my lungs is sucked out and in it's place come the tears down my face.  it's like a wave of panic, like i'm just realizing his death all over again.

the mind is a fascinating thing. 
to help myself cope i think my mind shuts down for parts of the day, shuts down the parts that are overcome with grief, with sadness.  and then all of a sudden a thought or memory or smell comes and it's like remembering it all over again, almost like feeling it for the first time....again and again and again.

it's just hard.

i am so thankful for my sweet girl.  she keeps me from being completely engulfed in the sadness.  she saves me from drowning in the sorrow, the grief.  she isn't even aware of how much she saves me every single day.  there are times when i can feel the panic of it all coming on, and then she'll say something---just a little comment she doesn't even realize she's saying----about "Connie doing something in heaven"  and it stops the panic.  it immediately puts it all into perspective for me and i can envision our future together.  all three of us, together.

and then i can breathe.

i am so grateful for my sweet babies and for the knowledge i have that we'll all be together again someday.

i am clinging to that today.

<3

leaving the hospital....without him.

after my beautiful boy took his last breath, in my arms, i held onto him for a long time.

i held my sweet boy and didn't want to ever let him go.

i knew that when i did i wouldn't be getting him back.

this petrified my soul.

i didn't want to stand up, i didn't want to lay him down because then i would be so empty.

my arms would be empty.

my lap would be empty.

my heart was going to be so empty.

i held onto my sweet baby for a long time.

when i finally was able to gather the strength to lay him down, it all hit me so hard.

i had to leave him there.

i had to leave without him.

i had to leave him.

he left me and now i had to leave him.

i had never left the hospital without him before.

i didn't want to leave now.

how could i leave without him?

i started packing up all our stuff, we had accumulated so much over the short time we were there.  i had to load up his stroller with stuff......it seemed so wrong because he should be in it, riding in it out the door.  he should be coming with me, coming home.

he wasn't coming home this time.

he wasn't coming home with me.

i just wanted him to come home with me!

when everything was packed up and everyone was ready to go, i went over to say one last goodbye and i crumbled.

i threw myself on top of my sweet baby boy.  i clung to him and wept.

how can i leave you, my beautiful boy??

 how can a mother leave her son?

it felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest, blindfolded me, spun me around in circles and said, "ok, just move forward.  you've got to go live life now."

i didn't want to.

i couldn't, i didn't even know how to breathe anymore.

nothing made sense and it was all happening so quickly, like a frantic dream.

i don't know how i did it, but i walked out the doors of the PICU, with my sweet girl in my arms and my dad at my side.

i left him there.

i left him.

it was the longest walk of my life.

now i find myself on another long walk.

i am walking this life, forced to take this journey without my sweet beautiful boy.

i know he is with me in ways unseen, helping me along.  but most days it just feels so lonely without him.

i miss him so much.

there are many moments when it's still so hard to just breathe. 

but i am still walking, breathing, feeling.

i just miss him.

i know my walk will be long.  i know some days it will feel impossible.  but i also know i can do it.  with the help of my Heavenly Father and my sweet angel, and all of the amazing souls around me.

i can do it.

it's just hard.

<3

facing my fears.

i have been purposefully avoiding certain check-out aisles at the grocery store.

there are certain checkers who only know me with connor.  he was always with me at the store and they would always talk to him and ask about him.

i have been avoiding these specific aisles since my sweet boy died because i know they will ask where he is, or how he's doing.

today when there were no other aisles to go to (or hide in), i faced my fear and went into one of these aisles.

i tried to keep my head down and avoid eye contact, but right away this sweet lady asked, "where's your son?"

................................

inside, my chest tightened and i felt that sense of panic, like my breath was being taken away and i could no longer think or breathe.  it's those words, when spoken out loud, that i have been dreading to say.

he passed away.

my son passed away.

right before Christmas, he died.

he had been struggling, and he died.

 he's no longer with me because he died.

i didn't say all of those words, but i did gather up my courage and strength and looked this sweet woman in the eyes and said, "my sweet boy passed away right before Christmas."

she was very kind and gentle, and because she had seen him with me before while he was struggling, she reassured me that he was doing better now and was in a better place.

she looked so sad and i felt sad for her.

i felt sad for myself.

i made it to the van before i broke down.

i miss my beautiful boy every second of every day.

it's a pain that is indescribable, even with the knowledge that he is "in a better place".

i just miss him.

i am learning to face all kinds of fears.  every day i am facing the fear of living without my sweet boy.  i just enrolled back in college and will start in March, and that comes with it's own set of fears and anxieties.  i have so many fears and the only thing to do is face them, i suppose.

i am lucky to have an angel backing me up, along with countless angels here on earth.

i am surviving.

and that's a good thing.

<3

the last day: photos from my sister's camera

 i have been reluctant to post these pictures.....it's been hard because after these i won't have any more 'new' ones of my sweet boy.

these are the last photos i have of my son.

..................

i asked my sister if she could come to the hospital that morning, the last day of connor's life, and take pictures with her camera.  she was kind enough to come and do it.

she captured the very last moments i had with my beautiful boy.  those were very tender moments i will never forget, and that i wish could have lasted forever.  they were the most difficult, heart-breaking moments of my entire life....but at the same time they were also the sweetest, most amazingly spiritual ones i think i'll ever have.

i miss him so much.

so incredibly much.

i think i will let the pictures speak for themselves in this post......i feel like they say it all perfectly.

<3

<3