Friday, February 7, 2014

leaving the hospital....without him.

after my beautiful boy took his last breath, in my arms, i held onto him for a long time.
i held my sweet boy and didn't want to ever let him go.
i knew that when i did i wouldn't be getting him back.
this petrified my soul.
i didn't want to stand up, i didn't want to lay him down because then i would be so empty.
my arms would be empty.
my lap would be empty.
my heart was going to be so empty.

i held onto my sweet baby for a long time.


when i finally was able to gather the strength to lay him down, it all hit me so hard.
i had to leave him there.
i had to leave without him.
i had to leave him.
he left me and now i had to leave him.
i had never left the hospital without him before.
i didn't want to leave now.
how could i leave without him?

i started packing up all our stuff, we had accumulated so much over the short time we were there.  i had to load up his stroller with stuff......it seemed so wrong because he should be in it, riding in it out the door.  he should be coming with me, coming home.

he wasn't coming home this time.
he wasn't coming home with me.
i just wanted him to come home with me!

when everything was packed up and everyone was ready to go, i went over to say one last goodbye and i crumbled.
i threw myself on top of my sweet baby boy.  i clung to him and wept.
how can i leave you, my beautiful boy??
 how can a mother leave her son?

it felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest, blindfolded me, spun me around in circles and said, "ok, just move forward.  you've got to go live life now."
i didn't want to.
i couldn't, i didn't even know how to breathe anymore.
nothing made sense and it was all happening so quickly, like a frantic dream.

i don't know how i did it, but i walked out the doors of the PICU, with my sweet girl in my arms and my dad at my side.
i left him there.
i left him.
it was the longest walk of my life.

now i find myself on another long walk.
i am walking this life, forced to take this journey without my sweet beautiful boy.
i know he is with me in ways unseen, helping me along.  but most days it just feels so lonely without him.
i miss him so much.
there are many moments when it's still so hard to just breathe
but i am still walking, breathing, feeling.
i just miss him.

i know my walk will be long.  i know some days it will feel impossible.  but i also know i can do it.  with the help of my Heavenly Father and my sweet angel, and all of the amazing souls around me.
i can do it.
it's just hard.
<3








3 comments:

  1. Hi, I stumbled upon your blog and have been reading for a few weeks. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. On Oct. 28, I lost my best friend, who also happened to be my older sister. She also died of an undiagnosed (possibly) auto-immune disease. I was with her for countless doctor appointments over the last 8 years, and nobody could help her. I felt your frustration as I read through some of your old posts.
    I am having a hard time. I am used to talking to her every day and was very involved in her end-of-life care. I wanted you to know that I really appreciate your writing. I had my own experience of avoiding certain lanes at the grocery store because there were a few cashiers who had known her and would ask me how she was doing. I had to take that step, one day in December, and tell the cashier what had happened. It was devastating, as many of the experiences I'm facing now are. My sister left behind four beautiful children and I'm trying to help them through their grief as well.
    All of this to say, thanks for sharing your very difficult journey.

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  2. This blog reminds me of one my favorite songs:
    Loneliest Walk-David Osmond
    "She pushes 'L' on that old elevator door
    Her heart is broken, arms are bare
    The doors are closing and she's staring at the floor
    There's still a piece of her up there

    It seems like yesterday she saw him on the screen
    Painted a room and picked out names
    But now she has to leave him under big machines
    To keep alive his tiny frame
    She's on the way to her car but it's never felt this far

    With each step she takes there's another to follow
    And one more ache, one more tear to swallow
    She's gotta keep moving,
    Forget about the bruising inside
    Through the loneliest walk of her life

    He pushes up his glasses, staring at her name
    One last time before he leaves
    He saw this coming but to see it now, engraved
    It's still so hard to believe

    It seems like yesterday they kissed and made their vows
    Her favorite flowers in her hair
    He's staying later than they normally allow
    Clutching those flowers in a prayer
    And on the way to their front door, no hand to hold there anymore

    With each step he takes there's another to follow
    And one more ache, one more tear to swallow
    He's gotta keep moving,
    Forget about the bruising inside
    Through the loneliest walk of his life

    He pushes up the board they've tied onto his shoulders
    He bears, with dignity, disgrace
    He hears the jeering and the wind is getting colder
    Tastes the blood upon his face

    His body bruised an back still open from the scourges
    The consequence of wicked men
    He knows no man on earth has ever deserved this
    But still He bears it all for them
    And He keeps moving up the hill to do His Father's will

    With each step He takes there's another to follow
    And one more ache, one more tear to swallow
    We all stand by and watch as the price is paid
    Through the loneliest walk of His life
    So we don't feel alone in the night
    We can have His hand holding the light
    Through the loneliest walk of our lives.

    Keep pushing through this lonely walk you're going through
    'Cause someone's walked this way before

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  3. A hhhh this feeling stinks! Such a horrible feeling and one no parent should ever have to know. I love that song Christmas posted! Praying for you always!!

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