grief.

i've tried sitting down to write a "happy Sunday" post 3 times now, and i just haven't been able to do it...

i can't get past the word 'happy'.

i don't feel happy.

i feel sad.

and a "Sad Sunday" post just seems depressing.

i am not depressed, i'm just not 'happy'.

it's been hard lately.

i have so many different emotions going on all at the same time, all the time.

there is just a heaviness, a deep sadness, that is always there, even when i'm purposefully ignoring it.

it's just there.

i am not dwelling on it, i am not getting drowned by it, but it's there.  and it hurts.  and it hits me so hard throughout the day.

the littlest things will remind me of my sweet boy, or take me back to a specific time or memory, and then i can't control the grief.  it just takes the breath right out of me.  it's as if the air in my lungs is sucked out and in it's place come the tears down my face.  it's like a wave of panic, like i'm just realizing his death all over again.

the mind is a fascinating thing. 
to help myself cope i think my mind shuts down for parts of the day, shuts down the parts that are overcome with grief, with sadness.  and then all of a sudden a thought or memory or smell comes and it's like remembering it all over again, almost like feeling it for the first time....again and again and again.

it's just hard.

i am so thankful for my sweet girl.  she keeps me from being completely engulfed in the sadness.  she saves me from drowning in the sorrow, the grief.  she isn't even aware of how much she saves me every single day.  there are times when i can feel the panic of it all coming on, and then she'll say something---just a little comment she doesn't even realize she's saying----about "Connie doing something in heaven"  and it stops the panic.  it immediately puts it all into perspective for me and i can envision our future together.  all three of us, together.

and then i can breathe.

i am so grateful for my sweet babies and for the knowledge i have that we'll all be together again someday.

i am clinging to that today.

<3