the viewing.

it's been a while since i last posted pictures of that week.

i have a few more.

i have some from my beautiful boy's viewing and his funeral.

i haven't been able to post them yet, it's been hard.

i miss him so much.

it's almost harder to look back at these pictures than it was to actually be there.

when i was there, when i was living it, i was so numb.

my brain was numbing my heart from feeling too much, from literally breaking.

i went through all the motions, but i was still in a state of shock.

i guess i should be grateful for that.

but now, looking back through the pictures, (some of them i took, and some of them my dear friend, a photographer, took), i am taken back to that awful week and this time i can feel it all.

and it hurts.

during the week after my sweet boy died, i was busy.

i was so busy,

and i was so grateful to be in a state of doing because i couldn't just sit still and be.  it was too hard.

i was busy with planning the funeral, picking out my sweet boy's clothes, writing the obituary, writing the eulogy, designing the program, and putting together things for the display tables.

 i wanted so badly for everything to be perfect for my son.

my little boy.

i had so much more i wanted to display, i wanted every single memory and picture and treasure to be there, and even that wouldn't have been enough.

i narrowed it down to 2 tables worth.

it didn't seem like enough.  he was so much more than that.

it seemed so harsh that it all just filled up 2 tables.

i would have filled up the whole building if i could.

it just didn't feel like enough.

the dog in the middle is mine.  my Baxter, i've had him since i was 3.  i found matching ones for my sweet babies, and even made them matching superhero capes to wear.

i can't remember taking this picture, my sweet girl and me.

people started arriving, and it was all pretty much a blur.

 i remember lots of people, lots of faces, lots of hugs, and so many tears.

a safe hug from my dad.
i will forever need those.

i stood the entire time, i don't think i moved at all.

i was so numb.

my sweet boy was right there, right beside me.......but he wasn't.  he wasn't really there.

he was gone. 

he left me a week ago and i just wanted him to come back.

it was the strangest feeling, because i was standing right beside my son's body.  i could touch him and see him and feel him, but he wasn't there.  it wasn't him.

yes, there was a beautiful, perfect little boy laying right there in his white casket, and he was as handsome as can be......but it wasn't him.  i didn't even recognize him in a way.

he wasn't my sweet boy, my perfect little boy.

it was just his body, and my son was so much more than that. 

i missed his spirit.

i still do.

<3