ahhh.......so it's been a bit of an emotional/stressful/good/sad day for me today.  spent hours this morning dealing with some of the personal things in my life.  finally moving forward with things that have been ongoing for a while now.  (i'm going to be very vague here, because i don't think it's really necessary to give a whole lot of details, even if i want to at times.  i just mostly need to get my feelings out.  so this again may not make a lot of sense)   it's been such a mixture of emotions.....part of me is relieved that things are finally happening and moving forward, but it's been so stressful for me going through all this.  i hate conflict!  i just want to make everything right for everyone, no matter what, and feel so guilty if things aren't perfect for everyone. 

i want aubrey to not have to experience any sadness or hurt or be effected by any of it!  (i can wish, can't i?)  i've done my best to try and make things as easy and safe for her as possible and i hope she can feel that.  i love my kids so much and just feel sad that i couldn't give them the 'ideal family' situation. 

so there's a part of me that's very relieved about today, but the other part is just sad.  sad for the loss of that ideal world for aubrey, even if we've been prepared for it for a while now.  no matter the situation or how good or bad the outcome of these types of things, there is one thing it always is----- hard.   but hopefully this will be the beginning of a fresh start........with endless possibilities.