so i finally got the denial letter from our insurance company saying they won't cover a car seat for connor earlier this week. that was a victory in and of itself.  i gave it to connor's physical therapist at school yesterday and she said that she heard back today from the foundation we had applied for help from.........and it looks like they are willing to pay for the car seat for my boy!  the total cost comes to over $1200.00.....which is so sad to me, that something so necessary costs so much.   this is great news that they are willing to help me, but it's also so hard for me to feel okay about accepting this much help.  i don't feel like i deserve all of this.  i know my son does, but i have such a hard time feeling okay about receiving so much.  i am grateful beyond measure, but i can't help but feeling like i shouldn't be taking this help, there must be hundreds of people that deserve it more than me, or need it more.  i guess i'm just disappointed that i can't do it myself, i wish i could do everything for my sweet boy.  i said to aubrey today, i wish i had millions of dollars so that i could just give it all away! (minus the amount i would keep for my tootsie roll needs, obviously)  i would love to be able to help every person i see on the corner, every child that needs expensive equipment, every child who goes to bed hungry, every family with mountains of medical bills stacked up (i guess i'd have to pay my own too),  or just the everyday person struggling with life.  i wish i could do more!!!  

so it's just a roller coaster of emotions for me about this carseat.......extreme happiness about my beautiful boy possibly having a seat that fits and supports him.  and extreme stress/guilt about having to accept that i need help to get it.  so yay!/sigh......