i've been looking through the pictures on my computer tonight.  these pictures from a couple years back have me remembering.......it was a hard time.  connor was so fragile.  this was at a time where his doctors didn't think he would make it through the next year.  they had me hurry and apply for a Make-A-Wish for connor......he was so fragile and so thin and just not doing well. 

 i could feel every single bone in his body when i picked him up.  he was just so heartbreakingly little.

this was a rough time for me, it seemed like every day was so frantic.  i felt like he was just disappearing before my eyes and i couldn't do anything about it!!

 at this point  in time connor was throwing up ALL the time.  he couldn't keep anything in it seemed like.  he had a G tube then, meaning the food was going straight into his stomach.  i would have bowls and towels all over the house, always close by because i would need them constantly.  aubrey knew that when i yelled 'bowl!'  she needed to come bring me one----fast.  this was so hard on his little body.  and it was so painful for me to watch him gagging and retching all day long and not be able to help him.

because he was so frail and weak he was having trouble even producing a cough---which was dangerous for him because he aspirates and needs to be able to get his secretions out of his airway.  

so we were able to get this machine called 'The Vest', typically used for patients with Cystic Fybrosis.  it basically attaches to those hoses and then just shakes the living daylights out of him while it's on.   it's supposed to loosen all the mucus in his chest so it can be expelled easier.  but this didn't really help him because he still just didn't have the energy to produce a cough.   but aubrey liked helping him with his 'shake sessions'. <3

he was so fragile for so long that they were going to put a central line in his chest to get him nutrition that way, but they decided to try and move his tube to a GJ first, to see if he could handle that.  we had some complications at first with the GJ, but after having moved his tube down to his intestines and bypassing his stomach completely, slowly he started to gain weight.......and now he's such a big boy!  

i was so relieved something had finally helped my beautiful boy.  he still has trouble producing a cough because of his overall loss of muscle tone, but with some pounding he does manage to get some junk up.  then mommy's there to suction :)

looking back over this journey i've been on with my son, i'm just so grateful for each breath, each second, each day that i get to spend with him.  i cherish every moment. <3