simple acts of LOVE.

sigh.

my dad just pulled out of the driveway......i miss him already.

it's so nice when he's here, i love him so much.

i think it always hits me when my dad leaves just how lonely it is...........well, being alone.

my dad is a wonderful man, the best man i know.

he is my person.

having him here, especially during this hard week has been such a comfort to me.

he's been my rock through all of this.

on the nights when i can't breathe----those nights when i really don't know if i can physically go on----he is there.  i pick up the phone and he is there.  just knowing he's there and the strength he gives me makes it so i can breathe just enough to make it through.

this last week was hard.

emotionally, i am exhausted.  i have been feeling SO much....i've been feeling it all and my heart and my mind are just worn out.

my dad's safe hugs, just his presence, helped me get through this week.  just like he helped me get through this time last year.

my dad isn't the only one who helped me this week.

the amount of pure, unconditional LOVE i felt this past week is simply amazing.

so many simple acts of kindness, beautiful gestures of love were shown to me that i will forever be thankful for.

i'm surrounded by so much love and beauty!

every kind message, text, facebook post----i read and appreciate them all.

sometimes a kind word or a simple heart means more to me than anything else could.

hugs.

hugs are the best thing ever.

they've helped heal my soul in a way that nothing else can.

i can't think of anything more comforting or soothing than a big safe hug, especially now, when my arms are so painfully empty without my son.

my sweet boy was my constant hug, he was always in my arms, close to my heart.

my arms are just so bare without him.

hugs help.

the most beautiful gesture of love happened on the night of the 23rd, the night of the one year anniversary of my son's death.

the sweet Young Women from my church planned something so beautiful to honor my beautiful boy, something i will never forget and always be grateful for.

my dad, aubrey and i pulled into our driveway around 8:00 on that night and saw the most beautiful sight.  my driveway was lit up on both sides with candles, leading up to my door where there was a wreath lit up with blue and a "C" hanging in the middle.   it was breathtakingly beautiful.  so tender and sweet.

oh, my heart!!

i can tell you that the love i felt that night was so strong i could almost see it.

these sweet young women from church planned a memorial service in my front yard for my son, my beautiful boy.

the local high school singing group was standing in my lawn and when i stepped out of my dad's car i was serenaded with the most touching music i think i've ever heard.  honestly, i don't even remember what the first song was, i just know that i was feeling a love so strong that it brought me to my knees.

literally, i fell to my knees because my emotions were so BIG and the love was so STRONG.

i could feel my son.

oh my heart, could i feel him!

that love, that feeling of pure LOVE.....that is my son.

i felt it so strong, i felt him so strongly.

it was the most beautiful act of love and kindness i think i've ever been shown.

i'm so blessed.

i have so much love around me and i feel so blessed that i am at a place in my life where i can recognize it, and be humble enough to let it in.

i would be so lost without it, this love.

i couldn't breathe without it.

it's hard enough to breathe as it is......without the love of those around me i couldn't do this.

i know i couldn't.

i'm so grateful for LOVE.

i miss my son.

i miss my sweet boy with every part of my heart.

i'm so grateful for the strength i find in others, for the love that gets me through.

happy Sunday to all of you.

<3

one year

oh, it's here.

the 23rd.

one year today.

one year since my beautiful baby boy left this earth.

sigh.

it's heavy.

hard.

 real.

it's here.

it's been a year of 'firsts', and now all the firsts are done.

they're done and this is such a frightening feeling!

in some ways it's a relief, but it's also such a tender, bitter sadness.

panicky, almost.

i don't want time to keep moving forward!

sometimes i just wish i could stop it all because i have a fear that as time moves forward, my memories will be harder to recall.

the senses----smells, sounds, touches, feelings----i fear they will start to fade and bringing them to remembrance will be harder as time goes on......

i'm so afraid of this. 

it's a petrifying fear and with every day that passes it intensifies a little bit more.

 it's a quiet fear, one that doesn't voice itself out loud but is silently screaming at me from inside.

i don't want to forget!

i CAN'T forget my son, those little things---the smells, touches, those perfect feelings.... 

i'm afraid they'll start to fade away and that terrifies my soul.

 

the only thing i'm certain of is the love.

i know the love won't fade----it can't.  it's a part of me and i would not be myself without it.

i love my son so much.

i'm just so afraid of life without him----every day i'm moving further away from the life i knew and loved, the life i cherished with my sweet boy.....i'm moving away from it and out into the unknown.

it's a scary feeling.

i'm terrified, really.

i feel so lost most days.  i feel vulnerable and exposed without my son here to blanket me.  he was my constant companion, my ever-present comfort.

i'm learning how to function in this world without my soul mate.

it's hard.

one thing that has anchored me, has been my grounding compass, is my sweet girl.

she is my saving grace.

my best friend.

we've grieved together, cried together, laughed together, and continue to love together.

she is amazing, my little girl.

she has handled things so BIG, and she's done it with such grace and simple beauty.

i learn so much from her, from both of my babies.

you'd be SO proud of Sissy, Connie.  she's doing everything perfectly, just like you always did.  she misses you!!  oh, how she misses "her Connie".....she talks about you all the time, buddy-boo.  she draws me things, she draws me angels all the time.  angel wings with blue hearts.  she knows my heart, she knows my need to keep remembering.  i think she can feel you in a much simpler way than i can.  thank you for that, sweet boy.  please keep close to her, keep watch over her like we talked about.  she needs you.  WE need you. 

we will always need you. 

 i love my children.

i miss my son.

it's been a year.

today is hard.

12 months, buddy-boo...

do you know how much mommy loves you?

mommy remembers, i remember everything.

please help me not to forget the little things.

i love you, my sweet boy.

you'll be in my heart......

always.

<3

heaviness.

this Sunday is going to get so much better in about 3-4 hours....

Papa is on his way!!

i cannot wait to get a big, safe hug from my dad.

i need one of those.

especially this week, and during the next few days.....well, always really.

i always need hugs from my dad.

they feel so safe.

this last week has been so heavy, so anticipatory....

his birthday came, and quietly went.

it was a beautiful day, full of love and remembrance.  and yes, sadness.  but only sad because i miss him so much.  i'm not sad for any other reason besides the fact that i love him and miss him and just wish he were here so i could hold him.

i'm not sad for him.

i'm not sad about his death because as i've said before, my son's death was a beautiful release for him.

i'm not sad that his suffering ended, his broken body releasing his perfect spirit.

i'm not sad for my son.

i'm not even sad for me.

i am blessed.

i had a son, here with me for 6 years---six perfectly beautiful years and i am so grateful for that time, words can't even come close to expressing it.

i have a son, a beautiful blue-eyed angel that will be with me always----even though he's not in my arms where i so badly want him to be....

i miss him.

i miss my beautiful boy. 

 i miss holding him.

i am only sad because i love him so much. 

the sadness comes because the love is so big.

would i change any of that?

no.

i accept the sadness, it's something that i can deal with because of the love.

   oh, i love my son.

this week is heavy.

the 23rd is coming......one whole year without my perfect little soul mate.

can i do this??

i don't know, i guess i don't really have a choice.

or maybe i do.

i choose to keep trying.  i choose to keep feeling {that's the hardest one, when sometimes all i want is numb---all i want is to not feel}.  i choose to keep loving.  

i'm choosing to live with the sadness and not let it consume or destroy me.

it hurts.

oh my heart, does it hurt.

but i'm no stranger to hard things.

i've learned i can do hard things, because of the love that surrounds me---if i choose to let it in.

i choose to try.

a big hug from from my dad will certainly help.

<3

his birthday.

today is special.

oh, but it's also so hard.

today is my beautiful boy's 7th birthday.

i almost wrote "he would have been 7 today"......

but that's just not true.

i will never say, "he would have been...."  because it's just not true.

my beautiful boy was perfect and special but he wasn't made to grow old in this world.

my sweet little boy had a divine purpose, one that he fulfilled with grace and pure beauty in his six short years.

he wouldn't have been seven, or eight, or nine......or anything else because his spirit wasn't meant for this world.  he possessed a light that came from somewhere far greater than this earth.

his beautifully imperfect body held on to his spirit for as long as it possibly could, he held on to this life far longer than was comfortable for him and for that i will be forever grateful.

i wanted him to hold on forever, if i could i would have never let him go.

i still want him back.

i still want my son back......if i could just hold him...

i understand though.

i understand that his mission here was complete and that i was blessed to have him as long as i did.

i understand all this......

but it still hurts.

i still miss him.

i just love him, i do.

today i celebrate his life.

i will remember his beauty and search for that light that is still there, the light that is still being radiated from his sweet spirit.

i love my son.

oh, how i miss my beautiful boy.

happy birthday, buddy-boo...

mommy misses you.

i love you so much.

<3

i just wanted him to live.

last year on December 17th, i brought my beautiful boy to the hospital.  i didn't know it, but it would be the last time i entered those hospital doors with him in my arms.

i didn't know it, but i wouldn't be leaving with him ever again. 

i had to have my brother-in-law come and drive us that day because my sweet boy could not breathe well enough to leave my arms.  there was no way he could sit in his car seat alone and breathe well enough to make it to the hospital.

he had been in my arms for weeks straight, literally in my arms the whole entire time, because he just couldn't breathe anymore.

i gave rescue breaths to my sweet baby boy as he turned blue, breathing into his mouth for him when he couldn't do it himself.  i did this so many times over the course of a few weeks, too many times to count.

he was dying, my sweet boy.

he was dying and i just wanted him to live.

i just wanted him to live.

i remember riding in the back of the van on the way to the hospital, holding my baby boy in my arms and just wanting this upcoming surgery to work.

i wanted this tracheotomy to help, to cure, to fix!

i wanted it to DO something for my sweet boy!!

 he was suffering so much, was so fragile and i knew he couldn't last like that much longer.

i had HOPE that this surgery would work.

i remember arriving at the hospital.

i remember carrying my baby boy through the tunnel {the front of the hospital was under construction so there was a long tunnel}.  i remember walking through that tunnel and having the distinct feeling that i would not be walking back out with my son.

i remember it so vividly that it makes my heart sink just thinking about it.

like a punch in the gut, i felt it.

my mother's heart knew it.

my mother's heart knew for months that this was it.

my heart knew long before my mind accepted it.

my mind still didn't accept it on that day, walking through the tunnel.

sometimes i still don't think my mind has fully accepted it.

as long as he was still there, in my arms, i was going to fight for him.

my mind ignored my heart and fought like hell for my baby boy.

i fought so hard, i wanted it so badly.....

i just wanted him to live.

my heart knew the things that would happen that week in the hospital.

each day that passed solidified what my heart already knew long before we got there.

he wasn't going to live.

my beautiful baby boy wasn't going to live and i knew it.

how could my heart do this to me???! 

i didn't want to know this, i couldn't accept it!

i just wanted him to live.

i'm remembering.

i'm looking back, i'm feeling all this because it happened and i don't want to push any of it away.

i don't want to run from it or try to make it anything other than what it is.

it's hard.

i'm dealing with it the best way i know how.

i'm remembering.

i'm still breathing.

still trying.

still loving my son with that same mother's heart that knew.

i'm here and i'm fighting like hell to keep going and keep living for my sweet girl.

i love her so much.

i love my son.

i'm okay.

but i just wanted him to live..

<3

peace on earth.

it's a quiet Sunday thus far.

i type this as i sit amidst the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree and the blue lights on the fireplace mantle.  it's a peaceful, yet empty feeling.

i pulled out Christmas decorations yesterday, the stockings laying on top of the pile as i opened the box.

a penguin stocking, some pink ones {Aubrey has multiple stockings for some reason}, and then the baby blue one.

my baby's blue stocking.

 sigh.

the Christmas season will forever be intertwined with the hardest time of my life.

i'm trying to sort through emotions that are coming from every place inside of me.....

Christmas is a beautiful, peaceful, glorious, magical time of year......

it's also the time of year when my whole world fell apart.

my beautiful boy was born one week before Christmas!

it's always been a special time of year----

my sweet boy, my only son, died two days before Christmas.

he died 5 days after his 6th birthday.

my heart is having trouble understanding how to feel.

 i feel everything, all at once.

how does any of this even make sense??

i don't know how to sort through this constant stream of emotions.

these are polar opposite feelings, and they're all coming at me so fast and so hard.

my mind tries to sort through them, but my heart just feels them all.

i don't know how to feel.

i don't know how to not feel. 

i just don't know.

it's a confusing realm to exist in.

Christmas is a happy time.

my son's birthday is a happy day.

the 23rd, the day he died, is right in between the two.

it's just hard.

it's so hard and that's confusing to my soul.

 i still feel the magic of Christmas, i still feel the glory of it all.

i see my sweet girl's eyes twinkle just like the lights on the tree and that brings more peace to my soul than i can express.

i am still happy.

i still feel happiness and can laugh and giggle {and occasionally snort} when things are funny.

things are funny still, a lot:)

i have amazing friends who bring smiles to my face when i need it most----i'm still able to smile.

my heart is still so full of love and empathy and compassion for those around me.

i love so many people with my whole {yet broken} heart.

my heart is still full of love, a broken heart can still be filled to capacity, and then some.

these next few weeks are going to be hard.

it is what it is.

it is hard.

that's okay.

i have support, i have my sweet girl and i have my angel.....i know he's got me.

i have friends.

i have so much love around me i never have to feel alone.

there's an emptiness inside me that i don't know will ever be filled, but right beside it there is peace.  there is a peace that blankets the emptiness, helps cover the void in my soul.

i know my sweet boy is okay.

i know he is.

i know he's still doing what he always did best-----guiding me, teaching me, quietly loving me.

that's the peace i feel.

i hope my sweet girl feels it too.

a peaceful Sunday to all of you.

<3