perspective.

Sunday has come again.

it's been sort of a rough week, for many reasons.

first and foremost, i miss my sweet boy. 

we passed the 4 month mark on wednesday.  i still can't believe it's only been 4 months.  my mind has yet to comprehend this.  i'm not sure it ever will.

secondly, i had more dental work done on tuesday (bone grafting for an implant), so my face just hurts.  though experiencing laughing gas for my first time almost made it worth it.

almost.

i'm grateful for Sunday and for the opportunity to go to church and put everything---all my struggles and grief and heartache---into perspective.  i am grateful for my faith and for my hope and for the desire i have to keep trying.

i am grateful for her.

so grateful for my sweet little girl, who teaches me far more than i could ever teach her.

i struggle with myself----with so many things about myself, but i am trying.  i am trying to move beyond the limits i have always placed on myself.  i am trying to look past the way i've always viewed myself, and see something more, something better, something kinder.

i am trying.

i am trying to look at myself through the same eyes i view other people, through the same eyes that behold my precious children.

i see them so clearly, so perfectly, so beautifully.

i love them wholeheartedly, completely, unconditionally.

i am working on myself.

i am grateful for the desire to keep trying.

happy Sunday, with love.......from me.

<3

4 months.

4 months today.

four months since the day my beautiful boy died.

still can't believe it.  it's still so hard.  in many ways it's harder, as time goes by.

i miss him so much.

so so much.

i know every day that passes is one day closer to being able to see my sweet baby again, and sometimes that makes it easier to deal with.....but most of the time it's just hard.

it just is.

 

i've been looking back through my blog posts from this time last year.

one year ago, i was holding my sweet boy.

i was worrying about his breathing, about these new 'episodes' he was starting to have.

i had no clue what was going to happen.

i didn't know that these episodes were foretelling signs of what was to come.

i didn't know that he was in fact, slowly dying.

i didn't know that in 8 months time he would be gone.

i worried about all these things, but i didn't know.

i just didn't know.

 

all i knew was that i loved him.

that's all i really know now.

i just love him.

i love my son and i hate that he's gone.

i miss his sweet face and his comforting presence in my arms.

i just miss him.

i miss me with him.

i miss us.

here are some photos i found while looking back.

they are all i have left to share.

i remember every moment that was captured in these pictures.

i can remember how i was feeling, how he felt in my arms, the way he smelled, how he was breathing, the sounds he made and how he was feeling at that exact moment.

i remember everything, and i hang on to those feelings with every ounce of my being.

i am grateful for my memories.

they are all i have left.

 

mommy misses you, sweet boy.

thank you for helping me get through this.

i love you forever.

<3

funeral, the last photos.

these are the last photos i have, the last 'new' ones i will ever be able to share about my sweet boy.

i have been holding on to them, not wanting to share because i don't want to accept the fact that these are it.  there are no more.

these are from my beautiful boy's funeral---the burial.

my dear friend graciously took these pictures, and i'm so glad she did.

i was so numb that my mind shut down, and i wouldn't have remembered much, so i am grateful for these photos.
 

i think i will let them speak for themselves......as i cannot find words that even come close to being able to describe my feelings on this day.

 this is the day i buried a piece of my soul.

 "come stop your crying, it will be alright.
just take my hand, hold it tight.
i will protect you from all around you, i will be here don't you cry.

for one so small, you seem so strong.
my arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
this bond between us can't be broken.
i will be here, don't you cry.

cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

why can't they understand the way we feel?
they just don't trust what they can't explain.
i know we're different but deep inside us we're not that different at all.

you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

when destiny calls you, you must be strong!
i may not be with you, but you've got to hold on!

they'll see in time.....i know we'll show them together.
cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more...."


mommy misses you so much, buddy boo.
i love you, sweet boy.
<3