faith and trust.

hey, it's Sunday again.

it's been a bit of a rough week for me---emotionally.

yesterday my friend came over with some blue flowers to plant in my front yard.

i love them.

 they will remind me of my sweet boy every time i pull in to my driveway.  they match the blue ribbons that still line my railing and my trees and fence perfectly.

on wednesday, my beautiful boy's headstone was placed.

 it's so perfect, and turned out exactly the way i hoped it would, but it was hard seeing it.

seeing it in the ground, so real, so hard, so permanent.

it's there.

it's in the ground.

it's real.

the dates are carved in stone---Dec. 18, 2007-Dec. 23, 2013

he's not coming back.

my sweet boy is gone and he won't be coming back.

  of course, i knew all this before.

there's just something excruciatingly different about seeing it all right there in front of me.

i miss him so much.

last night i cried harder than i have in weeks.  i cry every night, but these were the whole body, soul-shaking sobs that seem to come from a place so deep inside i can't control it.

i just want him to come back, i cry out for him to just come back...

but i know he can't, he won't, and that creates a feeling so deep and lonely and helpless that i will never come close to being able to describe it.

the only thing that brings any sort of comfort or relief is knowing that i will see him again someday.  i will be able to hold my sweet baby again, in the next glorious life.

i just wish it were here, and now.

patience.

..................................

patience is a virtue i need to come to terms with, one i need to accept and make peace with.  i hate the fact that i will have to wait.  i want more than anything to race ahead, to move it all along so i can be in the presence of my beautiful little boy again.  now, i want it now!

...................................

but, i will wait.

i will continue to do my best to be present, here.  now.  i will keep striving to make peace with this new impossible concept of time that has been thrust upon me.

i will do my best to live in a way my sweet boy would be proud of.  in a way that my sweet girl can be proud of.

i want to enjoy my life, this beautiful life i have been given.

i want to surround myself with people that care, people who truly love me for me and all of my messy parts.

and i want to do the same for them.

i want to conquer things inside of me that are holding me back.  i want to learn how to just be.  

i am trying.

every day i am trying.

it is all so hard, and at times just seems impossible.  but i know that all things are possible through my Savior, so that is where i'll place my faith and my trust.  in my Savior and in the things that are to come.

 i have faith, i do.

happy Sunday to all of you.

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