special things.

during the week before Connor's funeral i was so numb. 

so busy and so numb.

when i look back now, it all seems so unreal....like i'm seeing it in third person.  i can see myself doing everything, going through all the motions, but i don't fully remember it because i wasn't really there.

i remember the viewing, i remember standing in the same spot for hours, seeing lots of people, but it's all a blur.

i think i kept saying out loud how numb i was.  like i needed to say it so something could seem real.  my beautiful boy was laying beside me, in his casket.....how could that be real?? 

i am grateful for the numbness, i realize now how necessary it was to not feel, to not be able to fully experience that pain and sadness at that time.

i would not have survived it.

after the viewing and before the funeral the next day, i gathered the things i wanted to leave with my sweet boy.

there were some special things i needed to give him before they closed the casket, things he needed to have, things i wanted my sweet baby to have.

in all honesty, i wanted to climb in beside him.  i wanted to climb in, hold him tight and never let him go.

sometimes i still wish i could.

the first thing i gave him was this special little dog, a perfect match to the one i have had since i was three years old.  mine is named Baxter, this is Sad Sam.  and Aubrey has one too.  i made them all matching superhero capes.

it was important to me that my sweet boy was not alone, that he would have someone to keep him company and safe so he wouldn't feel scared and alone.

the next special thing i placed in the casket was this necklace.

i ordered this necklace a few months earlier and wasn't sure exactly what i was going to do with it or who i was going to give it to.

it says thank you.

 i felt like it was perfect for my son.

there will never be words adequate enough to describe what he has done for me, for the way he saved my life.  i hope i told him enough.  i hope i thanked him enough for everything he did, for every day and ever moment he blessed my life.  two simple words: thank you.......i just needed him to know that i meant it.  that i will forever be grateful to him for what he did for me.

 i'd give anything to say it to him one more time.

the next special thing was this necklace.

my wonderful friend and neighbor gave this necklace set to Aubrey.  she has the other half and wears it all the time.  Connor has this half.  it gives me great joy to know they will always have these, something so special to serve as a reminder of their unique relationship.  they truly were Best Friends, and they will be Forever.

 the last special thing i had to give to my son was this medal.

my dad earned this when he was younger, along with his eagle scout award and gave it to Connor about 3 years ago.

my dad knew Connor would most likely never be able to participate or earn anything like this for himself so he wanted him to have his.  he said, "he has more than earned it already.  he is fulfilling his Duty to God every single day".

i know my beautiful boy fulfilled his duty here on earth.

i know he was sent here to help me, and so many other people, as many as would take the time to listen and observe.

i know Heavenly Father is more than pleased with him, and that he is in His safe keeping.

i miss him so much.  all the time.  every day.

i would give anything to be able to hold him for just one more minute, to tell him how much i love and adore him and how thankful i am that i got to be his mommy.

he was my most special thing.

<3