4 months.

4 months today.

four months since the day my beautiful boy died.

still can't believe it.  it's still so hard.  in many ways it's harder, as time goes by.

i miss him so much.

so so much.

i know every day that passes is one day closer to being able to see my sweet baby again, and sometimes that makes it easier to deal with.....but most of the time it's just hard.

it just is.

 

i've been looking back through my blog posts from this time last year.

one year ago, i was holding my sweet boy.

i was worrying about his breathing, about these new 'episodes' he was starting to have.

i had no clue what was going to happen.

i didn't know that these episodes were foretelling signs of what was to come.

i didn't know that he was in fact, slowly dying.

i didn't know that in 8 months time he would be gone.

i worried about all these things, but i didn't know.

i just didn't know.

 

all i knew was that i loved him.

that's all i really know now.

i just love him.

i love my son and i hate that he's gone.

i miss his sweet face and his comforting presence in my arms.

i just miss him.

i miss me with him.

i miss us.

here are some photos i found while looking back.

they are all i have left to share.

i remember every moment that was captured in these pictures.

i can remember how i was feeling, how he felt in my arms, the way he smelled, how he was breathing, the sounds he made and how he was feeling at that exact moment.

i remember everything, and i hang on to those feelings with every ounce of my being.

i am grateful for my memories.

they are all i have left.

 

mommy misses you, sweet boy.

thank you for helping me get through this.

i love you forever.

<3