today i am.........lots of things, i suppose.  it's been an okay day.  connor has really been struggling lately, with his breathing and now tummy issues.  he's just super uncomfortable.  especially in the evenings/night time.  last night was rough, i feel so bad that he feels so bad:( 

it's such a difficult feeling----feeling helpless to help your own son. 

but then he also has moments where he stares me completely in my eyes... it's the most beautiful, piercing stare and i love it.  i can tell he's trying so hard to focus on me, to let me know that he hears me and that he wants me to know that he's here with me.  i feel him looking right into my soul at these moments.  i feel so completely and utterly connected to him at these brief moments where he really looks at me.  there is no separation of mommy/son at these moments, i really feel like we are one.  even more than i always do.

and that is a feeling i cannot describe-----it makes me feel so whole.  

i hope i can hang onto that feeling forever, and always remember what i feel like in those small tender moments where it's just me and my sweet boy and nothing else.  nothing else in the world seems to matter at these moments.   

i kinda love that.

<3