i have been purposefully avoiding certain check-out aisles at the grocery store.
there are certain checkers who only know me with connor. he was always with me at the store and they would always talk to him and ask about him.
i have been avoiding these specific aisles since my sweet boy died because i know they will ask where he is, or how he's doing.
today when there were no other aisles to go to (or hide in), i faced my fear and went into one of these aisles.
i tried to keep my head down and avoid eye contact, but right away this sweet lady asked, "where's your son?"
................................
inside, my chest tightened and i felt that sense of panic, like my breath was being taken away and i could no longer think or breathe. it's those words, when spoken out loud, that i have been dreading to say.
he passed away.
my son passed away.
right before Christmas, he died.
he had been struggling, and he died.
he's no longer with me because he died.
i didn't say all of those words, but i did gather up my courage and strength and looked this sweet woman in the eyes and said, "my sweet boy passed away right before Christmas."
she was very kind and gentle, and because she had seen him with me before while he was struggling, she reassured me that he was doing better now and was in a better place.
she looked so sad and i felt sad for her.
i felt sad for myself.
i made it to the van before i broke down.
i miss my beautiful boy every second of every day.
it's a pain that is indescribable, even with the knowledge that he is "in a better place".
i just miss him.
i am learning to face all kinds of fears. every day i am facing the fear of living without my sweet boy. i just enrolled back in college and will start in March, and that comes with it's own set of fears and anxieties. i have so many fears and the only thing to do is face them, i suppose.
i am lucky to have an angel backing me up, along with countless angels here on earth.
i am surviving.
and that's a good thing.
<3
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