the loneliest night.

walking out the doors of the hospital without my son was the most heart-breaking exit i had ever made.

..........................................

and then the drive home was the longest ride of my life.

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and still, it kept getting harder.

.................

when i walked into our house--without my sweet boy, without his suction machine--and came upon his 'spot' in the middle of the living room floor.....that was hard.

it was empty.

it was so painfully empty.

i made the walk back to his room, and it was empty.

everything was so empty.

i was empty.

i think i was also very numb.

everything seems so blurry, looking back.  i know i was in a daze.  i know being numb was my brain's way of protecting my heart from actually breaking.  there's no way i should have physically been able to keep living, because my heart was gone.  it wasn't there---it was back in the hospital with my beautiful little boy.

my heart should not have still been beating that day.

i don't know how it was, how it still is.

it is.  it just hurts.

my poor sweet girl.

this is the day she hurt the most.

the day we came home from the hospital, the day her special little brother died, was her hardest day.

i have never seen her more sad than i did on that day.

she cried.

she talked about how much she missed him.

she wanted to watch a video i have on my computer of her and connor over and over and over.

i'm sure we watched it at least 30 times that day.

she said she was sorry she hadn't 'played' with him more.  this broke my heart because i know she was feeling guilty---the same guilt i was experiencing for feeling like i should have done more, or spent more time showing my sweet boy how much i loved him.

i know we did our best, but the guilt was still there.

she clung to me.

she wouldn't leave my side, or even let me go to the bathroom without her.

she was so broken.

i was broken for her, and with her.

my dad was there for us through it all.

although broken himself, he was strong enough to keep us from falling.

he was our rock.

my sweet neighbors did something that night that i will forever be grateful for.

they put together a candlelight vigil for Connor. 

as soon as the sun went down, people started gathering outside my door, in our driveway with candles lit for my beautiful boy.

it was the sweetest gesture ever.

i don't remember much of what was said, or who all even came because i was so numb, but i do remember the warm feeling i had as i was leaning against my dad, holding my candle for my sweet son.

i felt his spirit there with me, in that moment.

i will forever be grateful for that.

after everyone left i needed to take a shower, but aubrey would not leave my side.

she panicked when i tried to tell her i'd be quick.

the only way i could get her to let me leave her for a minute was by telling her to lay in Connie's 'spot' until i was done.

she agreed to this.  i know she found comfort in lying in her little brother's special spot, just as he had almost every day of his life.

this is how i left her to go take a shower.....

 .....or how i left them.

Papa was there to comfort her when she needed it most.

they were both so broken, together.

i found them like this when i got out of the shower, asleep.

i quietly went back into my sweet boy's room, climbed into his bed and wept. 

i wept for my son.

i missed him so much i thought i might die.

i had never spent a night away from my son before.

ever. 

it was the loneliest night of my entire life.

i don't think i will ever feel more lonely than i did that night.

i miss him so much.

nights are still the hardest times for me.

they are the times when i allow myself to break down, to really feel.

they are still lonely, still sad.

but i know that with each night that passes, is another night closer to when i can finally hold my sweet boy again.

oh, what a sweet day that will be!

<3