4 months.

4 months today.

four months since the day my beautiful boy died.

still can't believe it.  it's still so hard.  in many ways it's harder, as time goes by.

i miss him so much.

so so much.

i know every day that passes is one day closer to being able to see my sweet baby again, and sometimes that makes it easier to deal with.....but most of the time it's just hard.

it just is.

 

i've been looking back through my blog posts from this time last year.

one year ago, i was holding my sweet boy.

i was worrying about his breathing, about these new 'episodes' he was starting to have.

i had no clue what was going to happen.

i didn't know that these episodes were foretelling signs of what was to come.

i didn't know that he was in fact, slowly dying.

i didn't know that in 8 months time he would be gone.

i worried about all these things, but i didn't know.

i just didn't know.

 

all i knew was that i loved him.

that's all i really know now.

i just love him.

i love my son and i hate that he's gone.

i miss his sweet face and his comforting presence in my arms.

i just miss him.

i miss me with him.

i miss us.

here are some photos i found while looking back.

they are all i have left to share.

i remember every moment that was captured in these pictures.

i can remember how i was feeling, how he felt in my arms, the way he smelled, how he was breathing, the sounds he made and how he was feeling at that exact moment.

i remember everything, and i hang on to those feelings with every ounce of my being.

i am grateful for my memories.

they are all i have left.

 

mommy misses you, sweet boy.

thank you for helping me get through this.

i love you forever.

<3

funeral, the last photos.

these are the last photos i have, the last 'new' ones i will ever be able to share about my sweet boy.

i have been holding on to them, not wanting to share because i don't want to accept the fact that these are it.  there are no more.

these are from my beautiful boy's funeral---the burial.

my dear friend graciously took these pictures, and i'm so glad she did.

i was so numb that my mind shut down, and i wouldn't have remembered much, so i am grateful for these photos.
 

i think i will let them speak for themselves......as i cannot find words that even come close to being able to describe my feelings on this day.

 this is the day i buried a piece of my soul.

 "come stop your crying, it will be alright.
just take my hand, hold it tight.
i will protect you from all around you, i will be here don't you cry.

for one so small, you seem so strong.
my arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
this bond between us can't be broken.
i will be here, don't you cry.

cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

why can't they understand the way we feel?
they just don't trust what they can't explain.
i know we're different but deep inside us we're not that different at all.

you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

when destiny calls you, you must be strong!
i may not be with you, but you've got to hold on!

they'll see in time.....i know we'll show them together.
cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more...."


mommy misses you so much, buddy boo.
i love you, sweet boy.
<3

He is risen

it's Sunday.

Easter Sunday.

ahh, i miss my sweet boy!

every day, every holiday, everything i do----is a reminder that he isn't here anymore.

he's gone, and it's hard.

putting together only one Easter basket tears at my heart.

buying only one fancy pants Easter outfit is like a kick in the gut.

everything i do now is for only one.

oh how i wish it could be for two again!

but it can't, i know this.

and i am so grateful for the fact that i still have my sweet girl.

 she blesses my life every second of the day.  i could not do this without her.

and i am grateful that my beautiful boy is safe and celebrating this Easter in the presence of his Savior.

how wonderful would that be?

this year especially, i am so fully aware of what today really means.

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." (John 11:35)

Christ died for us so that we may live again.

this brings such comfort to my soul, you have no idea.  i have always believed this to be true, but never have i fully understood it until now.

"He is not here: for he has risen."

He has risen!

i know that my Savior lives and was resurrected and that through Him we can all be made perfect, and live again.

together.

i know that i will see my sweet boy again, and when that day comes he will be walking and talking, without limits or disabilities.  he will be perfect, even more than i already knew him to be--- he will be perfected in Christ.

free from any physical pain or discomfort.

 free from the limits his earthly body placed on him.

free from hurt and sadness and frustration.

free!

i am so grateful for the faith i have and for the peace it brings to my soul.

every day is hard without my beautiful boy.

every milestone and holiday is that much harder.

i choose to be hopeful, i choose to have faith.

every day i am making a choice to try.  to try and make it through this life the best way i can, to be the best mom i can be to my sweet girl.

i miss my son.

i just do.

but i am trying so hard to trust in the knowledge i have that he is safe.  he is no longer suffering or in pain.

he is free.

and he is near me, always.

i keep this knowledge safe in my heart, and use it to get me through the moments i feel like i can't go on.  i have to go on.  i have so much life to live, and even more to live for.

i will go on.

no matter how hard or impossible it seems.

He is risen!

i believe this with all of my heart.

Happy Easter to you.

<3

faith and trust.

hey, it's Sunday again.

it's been a bit of a rough week for me---emotionally.

yesterday my friend came over with some blue flowers to plant in my front yard.

i love them.

 they will remind me of my sweet boy every time i pull in to my driveway.  they match the blue ribbons that still line my railing and my trees and fence perfectly.

on wednesday, my beautiful boy's headstone was placed.

 it's so perfect, and turned out exactly the way i hoped it would, but it was hard seeing it.

seeing it in the ground, so real, so hard, so permanent.

it's there.

it's in the ground.

it's real.

the dates are carved in stone---Dec. 18, 2007-Dec. 23, 2013

he's not coming back.

my sweet boy is gone and he won't be coming back.

  of course, i knew all this before.

there's just something excruciatingly different about seeing it all right there in front of me.

i miss him so much.

last night i cried harder than i have in weeks.  i cry every night, but these were the whole body, soul-shaking sobs that seem to come from a place so deep inside i can't control it.

i just want him to come back, i cry out for him to just come back...

but i know he can't, he won't, and that creates a feeling so deep and lonely and helpless that i will never come close to being able to describe it.

the only thing that brings any sort of comfort or relief is knowing that i will see him again someday.  i will be able to hold my sweet baby again, in the next glorious life.

i just wish it were here, and now.

patience.

..................................

patience is a virtue i need to come to terms with, one i need to accept and make peace with.  i hate the fact that i will have to wait.  i want more than anything to race ahead, to move it all along so i can be in the presence of my beautiful little boy again.  now, i want it now!

...................................

but, i will wait.

i will continue to do my best to be present, here.  now.  i will keep striving to make peace with this new impossible concept of time that has been thrust upon me.

i will do my best to live in a way my sweet boy would be proud of.  in a way that my sweet girl can be proud of.

i want to enjoy my life, this beautiful life i have been given.

i want to surround myself with people that care, people who truly love me for me and all of my messy parts.

and i want to do the same for them.

i want to conquer things inside of me that are holding me back.  i want to learn how to just be.  

i am trying.

every day i am trying.

it is all so hard, and at times just seems impossible.  but i know that all things are possible through my Savior, so that is where i'll place my faith and my trust.  in my Savior and in the things that are to come.

 i have faith, i do.

happy Sunday to all of you.

<3

mixed emotions.

it's Sunday.

this weekend is General Conference weekend, something i look forward to twice a year.

this is my first time watching without my sweet boy in my lap.

i have been listening with such intent, i want to be guided and directed.  especially now, i need guidance and direction as i try and find my way without my beautiful boy.

there have been several messages i feel were meant for me.  i am so grateful for Conference and for the talks given.  every day is so hard for me, and through the gospel of Jesus Christ i find hope.

without this hope i know i wouldn't be able to survive the day.

last night i went to a concert with two of my friends.  they bought me a ticket and invited me to go with them.

i had a great time, i really did.

but it did not escape me for one second that the reason i was able to go was because my son was gone.  i had such mixed emotions about going, about being able to go.  i truly enjoyed myself and am so glad i went.  but in the back of my mind i couldn't erase the feeling that i shouldn't be there.....i should be home, with my son.

i would give everything to be able to just stay home with my beautiful boy.

i am trying so hard to "live life".

it's just hard.

i am grateful for moments of happiness and joy.

i am grateful for friends and people that truly love and care about me.

i am grateful for the gospel.

i am grateful.

happy Sunday.

<3

special things.

during the week before Connor's funeral i was so numb. 

so busy and so numb.

when i look back now, it all seems so unreal....like i'm seeing it in third person.  i can see myself doing everything, going through all the motions, but i don't fully remember it because i wasn't really there.

i remember the viewing, i remember standing in the same spot for hours, seeing lots of people, but it's all a blur.

i think i kept saying out loud how numb i was.  like i needed to say it so something could seem real.  my beautiful boy was laying beside me, in his casket.....how could that be real?? 

i am grateful for the numbness, i realize now how necessary it was to not feel, to not be able to fully experience that pain and sadness at that time.

i would not have survived it.

after the viewing and before the funeral the next day, i gathered the things i wanted to leave with my sweet boy.

there were some special things i needed to give him before they closed the casket, things he needed to have, things i wanted my sweet baby to have.

in all honesty, i wanted to climb in beside him.  i wanted to climb in, hold him tight and never let him go.

sometimes i still wish i could.

the first thing i gave him was this special little dog, a perfect match to the one i have had since i was three years old.  mine is named Baxter, this is Sad Sam.  and Aubrey has one too.  i made them all matching superhero capes.

it was important to me that my sweet boy was not alone, that he would have someone to keep him company and safe so he wouldn't feel scared and alone.

the next special thing i placed in the casket was this necklace.

i ordered this necklace a few months earlier and wasn't sure exactly what i was going to do with it or who i was going to give it to.

it says thank you.

 i felt like it was perfect for my son.

there will never be words adequate enough to describe what he has done for me, for the way he saved my life.  i hope i told him enough.  i hope i thanked him enough for everything he did, for every day and ever moment he blessed my life.  two simple words: thank you.......i just needed him to know that i meant it.  that i will forever be grateful to him for what he did for me.

 i'd give anything to say it to him one more time.

the next special thing was this necklace.

my wonderful friend and neighbor gave this necklace set to Aubrey.  she has the other half and wears it all the time.  Connor has this half.  it gives me great joy to know they will always have these, something so special to serve as a reminder of their unique relationship.  they truly were Best Friends, and they will be Forever.

 the last special thing i had to give to my son was this medal.

my dad earned this when he was younger, along with his eagle scout award and gave it to Connor about 3 years ago.

my dad knew Connor would most likely never be able to participate or earn anything like this for himself so he wanted him to have his.  he said, "he has more than earned it already.  he is fulfilling his Duty to God every single day".

i know my beautiful boy fulfilled his duty here on earth.

i know he was sent here to help me, and so many other people, as many as would take the time to listen and observe.

i know Heavenly Father is more than pleased with him, and that he is in His safe keeping.

i miss him so much.  all the time.  every day.

i would give anything to be able to hold him for just one more minute, to tell him how much i love and adore him and how thankful i am that i got to be his mommy.

he was my most special thing.

<3

Tear Soup.

i started taking aubrey to a counselor about a year and a half before connor died.

i wanted her to be comfortable with someone, and able to talk to them if something were to happen to her baby brother.

i am so glad we did this.  i think it has helped her to be able to have that outlet, to have someone besides me to sort her feelings out with.

yesterday she had an appointment with her counselor and they read a book called "Tear Soup". 

i wait in the waiting room so i didn't get to hear the story, but i did get to read the one aubrey made up.

it made me cry.  and smile.  and feel so proud of her.

she is such a good kid.

wise beyond her years, and so strong.

i love her.

here is her story/recipe:

Aubrey's Tear Soup

Ingredients:

•  5 gallons of Happy Memories
• 1 cup of Sad Memories
• 3 cups of Seeing my brother's room
• A pinch of the Tarzan Song
• Add some of The Connor Club
• 10 Blue Bracelets
• A few hours of Watching TV
• Visiting Connor's grave whenever you want
• Talking to mom every day
• 3 buckets full of Papa
• A lot of Art Projects 
• Crying a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot

Directions:

Pour in the happy memories, sprinkle in the sad memories.  Dump in seeing my brother's room every night.  Add a pinch of the Tarzan Song whenever it's on the radio.  Stir it together.  Add in some of The Connor Club with the 10 bracelets.  Simmer for an hour.  Then add a few hours of watching TV (Sophia the First works best).  Visit Connor's grave whenever you want and talk to mom every day.  Then add the buckets of Papa, a lot of art projects and all of the crying (which is a lot).  Let it cook on the stove.  Stir it a little bit.  When you see the soup turn into a heart, you know it is done.  Share it with the people you love.

oh, my heart.

<3