today i'm a bit on edge.

i'm more stressed and anxious and emotional today.

not really sure why, exactly.

just one of those days i suppose.

connor has been having such a hard time breathing lately.

and not just his typical hard time, in the last week he's been doing some new things that i haven't seen before.

new is never usually good.

 he had an 'episode' while my dad was here that i had never witnessed before.

and his teacher told me today at school he was breathing differently (worse) than she'd seen before.

i'm pretty sure it's his muscles in his throat, they are just weaker and collapsing into his airway again, and because of his worsening muscle tone they are not able to open up easily to let air through.

it's just scary when you see something new that isn't good.

he sees the pulmonologist on May 2nd.

he'll have a scope done of his airway to hopefully see what's going on and if it can be helped at all.

i just love him so much.

that's why i think his loose tooth yesterday came as such a shock to me.

really, it was the first milestone he's ever met on time (and before his sister even!)

i don't pay much attention to reaching milestones or at what age he should be doing what, i haven't for so many years.

i just love him every day.

so when a loose tooth comes along it really jolts me out of what i'm used to, i guess.

it's bittersweet to see his body do something so normal, so on time, when most of the rest of it is degenerating in some way. 

if any of that makes sense.

it's all jumbled up in my head.

and that's how i'm feeling today.

<3