connor goes to preschool 3 days a week. (soon to be 4, starting in two weeks)  on the days he goes, i drive him to school and take him in the classroom and usually stay the first 15-20 minutes so i can suction him and make sure he's ok.  then i leave and go do the grocery shopping or whatever other errands need to be done.  i always stay nearby, only a couple minutes drive away from the school, just in case there's a problem.  when i first started taking him, they would have to call me a couple times a week  at least to come back because connor was having 'trouble'.  usually with his breathing, or his oxygen levels would be poor, (or maybe he just missed me as much as i missed him ;)  but lately he's been doing a little better, breathing wise at least, and they haven't had any major issues. 

i always go in early when i pick him up from school, too.  i go in about 20 minutes before class is over to check on him and suction him before closing circle time.  today when i went in to pick up my sweet boy, his teacher told me she thought that he may have had a seizure.  she said that right after i left after dropping him off he was sitting in his chair and his left eye stared blankly while his right eye rapidly blinked for a lengthy period of time.  she said he wasn't responding to their attempts at getting his attention.  after about 4 minutes she said he came out of it.  this was something new that they hadn't seen him do before,.......i wish i had been there and seen it so i could judge for myself if i thought it was a seizure.  because there are things he does all the time that i'm used to seeing that would probably frighten most people.  however, i trust connor's teachers with my son and know that they are very competent and observant and that's why it terrifies me so much. 

because the doctors have no idea what he has, they can't give me any kind of prognosis or what to expect even because they just don't know.  but they have told me that if he's stable he'll probably continue to stay that way for a while, but if he starts to decline, he'll also  continue to decline, and most likely he'll decline rapidly.  some of the diseases i've researched (or most of them) involving degeneration of the brain describe seizures as being part of a period of 'decline'.   and once seizures start they usually only become worse and more frequent.  so this is why the thought, even the possibility of my sweet beautiful boy having a seizure terrifies me to my deepest core.  now i'm not sure if what happened today was a seizure or not, i'll continue to watch and see if i see something similar (i hope i don't) but the possibility that it was brings such a petrifying fear, a fear that i've been pushing aside and avoiding for a while now.  it's a fear i keep locked away, as if by not thinking about it will make it not real.

when fears become real they have such power in them.  they have the power to make you feel so many awful things at once, to torment you.  i don't know how not to fear, but i know that 'perfect love casteth out all fear'.......and i love my son perfectly, as perfectly as an imperfect being can.   so even though i'm terrified about some things, i'm going to try and just love more.  it's the only thing i can think of to do....