connor completed his first full week of preschool this week.  he started going the full 4 days instead of 3.   i think he did just fine, he slept most of one day, but other than that i think he did okay.  i however, was a little out of sorts......when i'm not with him i just feel like something's missing.  and it is, a part of me is missing when we're not together.  connor is so much a part of me that i just feel incomplete when i'm away from him. 

this may sound strange, but i swear that i can feel some of the things he's feeling, and not just emotionally but physically too.  his body and soul are connected to me in a way that is indescribable.  when he gets a bloody nose, 99% of the time mine will start bleeding too.  when he grinds his teeth i'm grinding mine too.  when he feels sad or is going through his 'frantic spells' i can feel every bit of it deep in my soul.  every ounce of my being is intertwined with his.  i love him so incredibly much, i hope that he can feel that love the same way i can feel his pain.  i feel his love, too.  he has this way of looking at me, or even if his eyes are closed i'll rub my nose against his cheek and he makes this little sighing noise and raises his eyebrows, and it's the sweetest thing he 'says' to me. 

part of me is missing when aubrey is away too.  when she's gone for the night i just don't feel whole. 

years and years ago, i met a friend (one of my best) who had gone through so much in her life that it was hard to believe the strength that she still possessed.  lots of people would have just given up, but not her.  she described it to me as having this 'little blue flame' inside of her that just wouldn't burn out.  no matter how windy it got or how hard the storms raged against her, her little blue flame was still there, burning enough to keep her alive. 

well my kids are my flame.  when aubrey was born she lit a fire in me that i hadn't ever known before.  she gave me such purpose, so many reasons to live for that i didn't know existed.   and connor, my special, sweet, beautiful boy is my little blue flame.  he is my fire, he is refining me every day, molding me into what i hope is a better person than the day before.  i learn far more from my children than i could ever teach them.  i am so in love with my kids.  they really do complete me.