so i have so many feelings and thoughts going through my mind that i want to be able to express.........i keep looking for the words to convey how i'm feeling and i can't seem to find them.  and that's because i realize there really are no words to describe what's in my heart.  but i want to try......so i'm just going to start typing, and hope that at least something or the sum total of it all will be able to at least come close to letting everyone know how i'm feeling.

last night i was truly shocked to my core.  overwhelmed is an understatement at best.  i was (and still am) so overwhelmed by all the love and kindness shown to me and my family.  i have never felt so much support and love in my life!  it has honestly just knocked the wind out of me, taken me by complete surprise.  i never would have thought something like this would happen to me!  to say i'm grateful just doesn't do justice to the way i feel.  i don't feel deserving of this, not the least bit.  but i know my son (and daughter) deserve the world, and as much as i want to be the one to give it to them, i realize that i can't always do that.  and you all have helped me be able to do more for my children, and that is something i will forever be indebted to you for.

for the greater part of my life i have struggled with myself.  i have been fighting battles against myself, battling demons within for a long time now.  i have created more battles along the way with the choices i have made.  there were many many times when i didn't want to even fight against myself anymore, i didn't want to fight at all.  these were some of my darkest days, days that i'm not even sure how i survived.  my children have saved my life.  while i still struggle daily with myself, i have found a joy i never thought i would know, in the souls of my children. 

today i fight a different battle.  i fight every day for my children, as any mother does, but the war i am fighting is for my son.  a war was waged against us and we are battling every day to make it to the next.  it's frustrating not knowing the name of the war we are fighting, having no diagnosis is maddening. yet in some ways i've realized it's a small comfort, only because i don't have to face whatever truth lies out there.  still every day we battle, and connor is the bravest soldier i have ever known.  some days it can feel lonely, like i'm fighting this all on my own. but last night it became so clear to me that i'm not alone.  last night i witnessed an ARMY standing up to fight for my son.  an army of soldiers standing strong, giving whatever they can for my sweet beautiful boy.  this gesture, from all of these wonderful people has moved me in a way i will never be able to explain.  my life truly changed last night because of the kindness of others.  and it's not the money.  the money is unbelievable and will help me do so many things for my son, but it's not the money that has affected me.  it's the pure love and simple act of kindness from so many people that has shaken me to my core.  i never thought so many people cared!  and that's not to say i didn't think people were concerned for my sweet boy, because i know that they have been, but i truly didn't think this many people cared. 

all of this is hard for me to take in, for me to feel okay to accept this, the money and all the love.  it's a deeply humbling experience for me, and i want everyone to know that i am changed because of this.  i say thank you from the bottom of my heart, but that doesn't even come close.....it's thank you from the bottom, top, middle, sides, and that little corner of my heart that i didn't even know existed.  my heart doesn't even hold all of the gratitude i feel. 

i want everyone to know i will use the money that was donated for my son, for my kids.  i will finally (for the first time!) be able to pay off some of the medical bills that have been piling up for 5 years.  (the bill collectors are going to fall off their chairs the next time they call and i actually say i have some money for them!!)  i am going to use it to get more equipment, maybe technology or switches that will help connor to be able to communicate with us.  his sister is going to love being able to play with her brother!!  i am going to use it in the best way possible, i just want everyone to know that. 

i still can't believe this has happened to me.  i am in awe of all the blessings i have received, and only hope that i can spend the rest of my life blessing others in the same way.  i will never be able to fully express my gratitude, but i hope i have been able to get some of it across today.  i have so much love in my heart.  my heart is full. <3